Who do I think I am ?
(original french version here)
It’s weird. I want to say things, talk or write about many subjects, may it be about my writings, my projects, more spiritual or psychological matters, video game creation and the impact of these on our brain or even finance. And there to notice with dismay that I’m just a dude jumping in the air waving flags saying : « Look at me ! Put your attention on me and on what I say ! Read me ! Come and love me ! ». And I find myself pathetic from a certain point of view…
I don’t love myself, why others would love me ?
It returns to this, fundamentally. I recently understood this. Not that I don’t love myself. This is lost to history, but I’ll come back to this later, because it hides something too. But I understood the link between my need to create and my low self esteem. I create because, in my subconscious, I believe that others will prefer what I create versus what I am. And I want to love myself via other, so that their love for me transmutes to self love. It’s crazy, because indeed, it’s not conscious. But still, under the light of this troubling revelation, my visceral need to write and realize myself through my stories didn’t dwindle. Rather the opposite.
I believe that I’ll love myself when I’ll be prouder.
Yet, I’m proud of myself. Even, in a pragmatic point of view, I find myself hot. Fuck, I’m so glad to be myself ! And still, in my hearth, I consider myself small, grotty, weak and I feel like a sub-shit. The duality between the two contributes greatly to my mental balance. And when I talk about balance, I have in mind a drunk one-legged tightrope walker carrying a grand piano a mile over a lava pool filled with magical crocodiles (they can sustain lava, they’ve got to be magical !). I had, more than I can count, my lots of dark thoughts, but that is, too, under control. And when I speak of control, I have in mind an hungry coke addicted tiger chained in a diamond cage (good luck tiger !). For real, I look depressed when I proofread this, but it’s the contrary. I’m fabulously great ! Many positive things happen to me and it’s not about to stop ! And all of this will help me love myself because I will be proud. It sounds so stupid when written like this ! Why do I’ve got this urge to become better than yesterday ? In the end, it’s as if I always knew where I’m heading but couldn’t wait for it. Proofreading this, that last sentence seems to have no sense but yet, it is surely one of the most important in this text. Whatever…
Why do I share all of this ?
I’m clueless, seriously. I just need to express myself. Writing feels good for me so endure ! Hence the title of the article : Who do I think I am ? Because this is the reason why I almost written no blog posts in the last years. I feel I’m not « enough » to pretend writing anything on the Internet. But this is Internet ! Anybody can write on this ! I don’t need to be Einstein, Bouddha or Trump (no, I don’t place Trump on the same pedestal as the two others). And I guess I’m not the only one feeling this amalgam of emotions. So, write ! Anyways, on top of the cathartic advantages, writing is like all other arts : the more you practice, the better you become… And I want to write ! Write my novels, my children’s tales, work on my video game, my blog articles and I even want to translate them to become better in english (which is what you’re reading by the way.). Better off than playing video games and swearing non stop against god incarnated players that dwell in this fatuously ludic domain.
Need to evolve, as a goal to be better
Yo big, you’re going in circles, no ?
It could be an unhealthy dynamic, but it’s not. I learned to want to evolve for the path taken, not the result. I don’t wan’t to evolve to reach a goal, but because evolution is life itself. Change, mutation of the self (no, not to become half-man, half-turtle… yet still, could be interesting… Always wanted to be a clam…) is, I think, our reason to be. What makes me state that we should not stride the path of our dreams to make them come true. Simply put, we should follow our destiny for the adventure it’ll bring and life will put us where we belong, not where we want. And it’s better this way. Wishing that both will coincide. Anyways, we have no choice over this matter.