Five Even Better Restrictions on Abortion Providers

Only people who hate women’s safety will skip this list.

The perils of abortion. (image source)

The Supreme Court is currently weighing the merits of a law that places strict requirements on abortion providers in Texas. Champions of the law say these requirements are meant to protect women’s health, while critics claim they are medically unnecessary smokescreens designed to undermine a woman’s legal right to an abortion. Well, put me in the first camp, because I don’t think the law goes far enough. With any luck, the Supreme Court will strike it down so it can be rewritten with even more requirements.

Here are five things I think every abortion clinic in Texas — and everywhere — should be required to have on hand before they can even look at a pregnant woman.

1. 10,000 boxes of blue latex gloves

Two by two, hands of blue…and abortion. (image source)

Latex gloves are the greatest defense against disease in the United States, especially in abortion clinics where the hands of baby-murdering doctors are probably teaming with disease. How could they not be? These people are sick. That’s why each abortion provider should have at least 10,000 boxes of blue latex gloves on hand to keep women safe.

It’s important that the gloves are blue, not white. Germs and bacteria can’t see each other very well against a blue backdrop, and we all know that if germs can’t see each other, they won’t join forces and form super viruses. I can’t believe this isn’t a requirement already, to be honest. Let’s step into the 21st century and give women the modern medical care they deserve.

2. Iconic record producer Rick Rubin

From producing Slayer to helping you slay…because abortion. (image source)

Nobody should have to get an abortion without Rick Rubin in the room. Despite his penchant for producing aggressive artists like Slayer, Linkin Park, and Jay-Z, Rubin is known as a modern day zen master in his personal life. This bearded buddha’s soothing presence is just the thing a woman needs during one of the hardest moments of her life.

It’d be nothing short of savagery to deny her that.

3. The Stone of Giramphiel

This could happen to you if you get an abortion in Texas. (image source)

Texas is really big and largely unexplored. If you need to drive hundreds of miles to an abortion clinic, you’re almost guaranteed to run afoul of a fire-breathing dragon. The Stone of Giramphiel is a girl’s best friend in this situation. Taken from Finbeus by Sir Gawain, the stone is known to repel dragon flame, thus making it a vital component of reproductive care. Residents of smaller states might be at lower risk of dragon encounters, but it never hurts to be prepared.

An abortion provider that can’t defend its patients from dragon flame is one that doesn’t deserve to exist.

4. Cuties California Clementines

(image source)

They’re just so tasty! How could you not want them?

5. A DVD copy of “Patch Adams”

You’ll laugh. You’ll cry. Abortion.

Many women choose abortion because their fetus has a medical condition that could profoundly impact its quality of life. Sadly, most women don’t know there are mental patients masquerading as doctors out there who will treat afflicted children with comedy and compassion. Patch Adams is what these thoughtful but misguided women need to reinstate their faith in the American healthcare system.

And if you’re one of these pro-death naysayers trying to argue that poor women can’t afford medical care for the children we’re forcing them to birth, you might be interested to know that Patch Adams exclusively treats people without health insurance. Check. Mate.

I’m not sure if the film offers an accurate portrayal of the real Patch Adams, but I am sure you can’t run an abortion clinic without it.


These five are just the tip of the abortion safety iceberg. I believe it’s our moral responsibility to think up a bunch more. Can you think of any restrictions we should impose on the last few abortion providers in your home town? I encourage anyone and everyone to weigh-in. Children. Congressmen. Professional wrestlers. Anybody. Don’t hold back just because you’re “not a doctor” and “don’t know anything about medicine.” You don’t have to be medically literate to know something is medically necessary.

That’s just a myth spread by pro-death feminazis.