Neko Atsume, or What is Happening to My Life?
Neko Atsume is the stupidest game ever. Naturally, I can’t stop playing.
If you don’t know what Neko Atsume is, you’re probably a productive member of society or at least some kind of semi-functioning adult with dreams and ambitions. I discovered the game while reading an old person article about what the kids are into these days, and apparently it’s wildly popular among teenagers. After playing it (and remembering what it was like to be a teenager), I totally understand why: teenagers have nothing worthwhile to do and need something to fill the pointless void of existence. Apparently, Neko Atsume fits the bill for them, and now it can for you too!
In short, Neko Atsume is a smartphone game where you try to make friends with cats because why not? You attract them to your backyard by leaving out toys and food, and then you take pictures of them. That’s it.
No really. That’s all you do. Buy toys. Buy food. Wait for cats to come. In fact, you don’t even really play the game. You have to close the app or cats won’t come, and when you check back all you can do is take pictures of them or put out more food and toys. I think later on in the game you get sued by your HOA for being a scourge on the neighborhood, but I haven’t reached that level yet. Sounds fun, right?
It is addicting. As. Fuck.
Like some goddamn junkie, I find myself opening up the app whenever I have a free moment to spare just to see if any cats have come to my yard. I mean, you kind of have to. You never know who’s gonna be there or what kind of adorable bullshit they’ll be up to. But if you aren’t there to see it, you can’t take a picture of it.
Sometimes Pickles is batting around a ping pong ball. Sometimes Snowball is sleeping in the cat tree. Sometimes Pumpkin is playing in an old box. An old box!
Sometimes, this blubbery dickwad named Tubbs comes and eats all the Ritzy Bitz you literally just put out. Tubbs! You fat fucking asshole! That tuna was for everyone!
The point is nothing matters and life is meaningless.
The only decipherable goal of the game is to expand your yard so it can hold more cats at once, because who doesn’t fantasize about transforming their property into an open air landfill of cat shit and torn up furniture?
Still, the cats are pretty damn adorable, and the game does a good job portraying them as the manipulative sociopaths they are in real life. They’re so cute, they get away with anything. For example, if a cat is happy, it’ll bring you some trash or a piece of dead animal as a “memento” and you’ll shriek with delight. Just yesterday, Shadow brought me a cicada skin, and I was ecstatic. No reward in real life. Nothing of actual monetary value. Just a cartoon cicada skin.
I’m not going to stop playing, though. Oh no. I’ve barely met half the kitties in the neighborhood, and I’m still working on my first yard expansion. There’s this miniature cardboard cafe that I’d like to buy so Patches and Spooky can play “Store.” It’s gonna be so cute! I’m also thinking about getting a purple cushion, but I already have a brown fluffy cat bed so maybe I’ll hold off. I don’t know. I’m still weighing my options.
You can see there’s still plenty left to, and I plan to do it during times when I should be working or engaging in conversation with other human beings. Doesn’t that sound fun? Well, there’s nothing stopping you from playing too!
So whadya say?
