Nonsmokers Fart Club

The nonsmoker’s answer to smoke breaks.

I don’t know what it’s like where you live, but in Seattle, people love them some cigarettes. Something about sucking on a thin little cancer sausage gets Seattle’s collective motor going. It seems like wherever you turn, someone’s puffing one down: Hipsters outside of a bar, Amazon developers in line at a food truck, and even couples at the dog park sharing Camel Lights while their designer Dachshund-Corgi mixes frolic in piss-soaked AstroTurf (so romantic). They don’t care who sees or smells them, and they’re not waiting for your permission to light up either.

It’s easy to feel left out if you’re a nonsmoker like me. We don’t have any kind of comparable activity that we can enjoy together and force upon everybody else nearby.

Until now.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Nonsmokers Fart Club, where we put the “rip” in “rip-roaring good times.” It’s the closest thing we nonsmokers can get to what smokers already have, so if you’re ready to have a blast, grab a seat and let me explain how it works.

All you need are properly functioning bowels and maybe a bowl of chili (or lentil soup for you vegans). Take it slow at first. I suggest starting off at work. Every couple of hours, stop working and gather up a couple of friends to join you for a “fart break.” It’s easy. All you have to do is go outside for 15 minutes, stand around in circle, and start farting. That’s it!

You can talk about work, bitch about your awful family, or make plans for the weekend. The only requirement is that you should be farting for most, if not all of the time — bonus points if you’re standing within 5 feet of a highly trafficked doorway. It’s a great way to relieve tension and a perfect excuse to socialize. And don’t worry; you get used to the smell pretty quick.

After you get the hang of this, try taking fart breaks more often — maybe even once every hour. It’s really up to you and your schedule. Just make sure not to leave anybody out of the fun. There’s nothing more awkward than running into an uninvited fellow farter on your way back from a fart break, the telltale scent of intestinal gas clinging to your jacket.

“WTF? You said you’d wait for me. I’ve been holding it in all morning!”

– Chet, that asshole from business affairs.

Before you know it, you’ll be farting everywhere, even if you’re by yourself. You’ll see opportunities all the time. Got some downtime before a movie? Why not blow out the plaza real quick before the previews begin? Need to walk three blocks to the market? That’s the perfect amount of time to unleash an uninterrupted stream of silent-but-deadlies. Sure, people walking behind you will know it’s you, but don’t worry about them. They can just slow down or cross the street. It’s not your problem. This is America, dammit!

Isn’t this awesome?

Now, I won’t lie: there are a few downsides. After all, nothing fun comes without its risks, and fart club is no different. I’m talking, of course, about sharting. It’s a real and present danger. But fear not. I have a solution.

Right before you go out for a fart break, take a section of toilet paper — say, five squares long — and run it up the length of your ass crack. You can use the elastic band on your boxers, thongs, or briefs to hold it in place (if you go commando, you’ll need to figure out your own system). Usually nothing happens but it’s good to be prepared just in case. When your break is over, you can just throw it away.

Sometimes businesses and city workers will put out special containers specifically built to collect your used up butt-wads but, honestly, using them is a huge hassle. I’ve just been throwing mine wherever it’s most convenient: in gutters, flower beds, playgrounds, or out the window of my car. Some people try to tell me that this is “littering” and “bad for the environment,” but I’m not buying it. People need to mind their own damn business and stop trying to force their anti-butt-wad-fart-shield agenda on me. I’m not hurting anyone.

Well, I guess that’s not quite true. I have read some reports that excessive farting can lead to colon cancer, which is why some people try not to make it a habit. These types tend to only fart socially at parties and get-togethers. You know how it goes; you’re a few drinks deep and somebody gives the nod to head outside, so you say, “Fuck it. Why not?” It’s totally fine.

I used to do this a lot when I was first getting started, and let me tell you; there’s nothing quite like the sensation of sipping on a cold beer while a warm burst rattles the ol’ cheeks. Mmmm, yes.

“PBBBBRAAAPPP. Ohhhh, god. Yeah.”

– You, achieving temporary enlightenment.

So won’t you join me at the Nonsmoker’s Fart Club? I promise it’s a gas, and once you’ve started, you won’t want to stop. You’ll be abruptly abandoning your non-farter friends at bars and work functions in no time. And if you decide you don’t like it, you can always quit anytime.

Plus, it just looks cool.

– JB Swihart