How One Glimpse Beyond Changed My Life Twice
The epiphany that once gave me confidence now soothes my grief
One of the strangest experiences I’ve ever had was also, for many years, one of the most reassuring. It was late one night in 1999 and I’d had a great July day with people I loved. Full disclosure: Marijuana brownies had been consumed that afternoon, and although many hours had passed, that may have had something to do with what followed.
I was in bed but lying awake, staring into those warm, geometric shadows that a familiar room takes on once your eyes have adjusted to the darkness. I was re-experiencing the day with a glow and didn’t want it to be over yet.
Looking over my shoulder at… me
In that liminal state, I started getting the strangest sensation that I was watching myself — not in memories of that day, but right then, at that moment. The sensation was a sort of mental twist: like looking over my shoulder and catching myself spying on me. I was there in my room, but I was also on the other side of a one-way mirror, looking through it to see this smaller version of myself there in my bed. The smaller me was the Joni of physical matter and form, and the Joni who was watching was… something else. Something that wanted to be labeled my soul.
