Stanford Rape Case Resounding Statement on Men’s Rights

Males cheer as the fledgling movement finally scores a victory

Dear readers,

I come to you today with joyous news! The oppressed men of America have at last been shown a ray of hope. The incredibly light sentencing of the former Stanford student athlete that brutally raped a woman on campus proves that things are finally getting better for our male population.

Brock Turner was probably unfairly charged after having obviously consensual sex with a passed out woman behind a dumpster. His innocence was clear in the way he left her bruised and bleeding, and the incredible athleticism he displayed in attempting to run away from the men who yelled at him and wanted to check on the unconscious woman. After wrongfully being found guilty on three different charges, the internally-tortured man was graciously sentenced to a mere six months in county jail with probation afterward.

“I was beginning to lose faith,” remarked one emotionally-scarred male following the case. “With the gradual diminishing of the gender pay gap and strangely negative public outcries against rape culture, it really seemed like the world was turning against me. I am so grateful to the righteous defense attorney, the wise judge, and the incredibly courageous rapist for taking a stand. For all of us.”

And indeed, we men have much to be thankful for. The quick-thinking, scrupulous defense attorney was able to get the “victim” to admit that she has had sex with her boyfriend. Clearly then she wanted to have sex with the dashing athlete thrusting himself atop her while she lay defenseless on the ground. Every sane man understands this. The benevolent judge saw through the activists on the prosecution and jury, and ensured that soft, spineless justice was done. His stirring defense of the so-called perpetrator let’s all men know that they too can destroy the lives of women around them and receive far less than the minimum sentence. We may all take heart. And finally, we turn to the hero of our little tale.

Brock Turner’s fall from grace is a tragedy. No one with a baby face like his, or his incredible swimming abilities, could ever harm another human. The whole event is a terrible reminder that alcohol converts women into sluts and men into sex-machines. After all, it’s not like either group can be expected to control these natural urges after knocking back a few! I’m just glad Turner realizes this is 100% alcohol’s fault, and isn’t beating himself up over it. God forbid he loses any sleep over something as trivial as all this.

PLEASE NOTE: This is a work of satire. If you haven’t started laughing yet, don’t worry. I didn’t find it all that funny either.