Why Being Willing to Lose my Jehovah’s Witness Family was the Obvious Right Decision
There’ll always be some repetitious overlap in my JW related articles, but I wanted to direct this one specifically at the subject of family shunning.
This past weekend in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico, where I’ve lived for 9 years, I was enjoying my time with two of my closest friends here. We were all talking about the various challenges and life-quakes we’ve been through, and what we’ve learned from them. My friend Taylor wanted to emphasize — as he has many times before — how incomprehensibly difficult it must have been for me to lose my family in order to live an authentic, honest life. I understand this reaction. It’s perfectly reasonable.
But for me it’s really not difficult; not anymore, and hasn’t been for a long time.
Am I Being Honest About This?
Taking this position might strike some as a passive-aggressive facade, primarily meant to belittle that former family. To demonstrate that it isn’t, let me put it this way…
If any of them ever want to see or speak to me, I’ll do so happily. If they want a call, let’s have a call. If they want to visit, my home is open to them, and they’ll be greeted warmly. If they want me to visit, I’ll arrange a flight toot sweet. We don’t need to discuss anything associated with the Watchtower Society whatsoever; if they’d rather not touch on that, I’ll quickly agree. If it’s an elephant in the living room and they do want to talk about it, I promise my comments will be honest and without spite. As long, of course, as theirs are too.
Why it’s Not a Hard Choice
While there may be some understandable awkwardness, not having been with them for around 18 years, the obvious reasons I have no regret about this situation are…
- Pretending to believe in things they believe, in order to continue a relationship with them, would be preposterously dishonest; living a lie.
Am I a radical purist in the area of philosophical agreement? Ha! I have a very wide array of friendships with people of very different perspectives from my own. While there are times when it’s made sense to address a point of disagreement, I find no reason at all to push my views on them. Yes, an individual who is persistently aggressive, argumentative and contemptuous can make any relationship pointless, but I find such extreme examples fairly rare. And my appreciation for what one brings to a friendship doesn’t require holding harmonious philosophical viewpoints.
However, unlike the many friendships I have now, a relationship with my former family would require the foundation of my life were based on a belief that the Watchtower Society is a special instrument used by God as part of a “sole channel of communication” from Him. Since I don’t believe that, it would mean having to lie, right? I believe living a lie usually results in mental, spiritual and even physical sickness. And even if it didn’t, I see no value — for either of us — in such deceit.
The other reason this alienation isn’t especially difficult for me?
2. The shunning is entirely one sided; they have shunned me.
It’s not common, but I’ve occasionally found a person who can’t seem to grasp the one-sided nature of this shunning. No matter how simply I explain it, they’ll tilt their head and soften their voice to a warm-yet-imploring tone, suggesting that I should reach out to them and end this silence. 🤣
If this is you, please understand: I have done this. Precisely zero point zero percent of this alienation originates with me. They’ve heard my interest in having a relationship with them. They’ve heard my willingness not to bring up religious differences. It makes no matter.
Their position stems from the Watchtower Society’s own assertion that a person baptized as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses who later decides it isn’t what it claims to be is an apostate, and apostates are wicked enemies of God. (Even if my mother pressured me into baptism as a teenager.) The single thing I could do to gain them? Claim I again acknowledge the Watchtower Society’s requisite role in an approved status before God. 🙄
I never wanted to be in opposition to my family. It’s they who find no other choice than to be in opposition to me.
I don’t cast people off for differences of belief or opinion. It’s they who have done so with me.
Therefore, if living my life honestly and simply being a genuine person means my former family can’t see or speak to me — and since the only other option would be living a lie — what is there to bemoan?
Do You Find it a Hard Choice?
It may be that, like my friend, you think I was able to walk away because I am an especially strong-willed, courageous person. It may appear that way now, but I assure you it was awfully hard at the time. That said, I think you and I both know that just because something is hard is no reason not to do it. I just gradually came to realize I simply had no choice.
There may be a comparison between this situation and one in which a lover chooses to part ways with another. It can be extraordinarily hard. But do we encourage one to continue crying over and pining for that lost lover beyond a limited period of time? And if we don’t encourage such behavior, why don’t we? And is a romantic relationship different from one with blood ties? Maybe, but I’ll suggest the key component here is a bit less that — and a bit more that this person (or persons) have made clear that they want nothing to do with you.
And if regaining them requires you submit to their demand to dedicate your life to a religion you consider perfectly invalid?
Need I say more?
I can understand my story may make it sound just too easy. But remember that soon it will have been 20 years for me, and perhaps it’s been a considerably shorter time for you. I hope you can take courage that eventually you too can craft a life that’s authentic— and realize that dishonestly sacrificing yourself to keep your family is probably a poisonous choice.
Maybe, unlike me, your JW family won’t have a problem maintaining some degree of communication with you. As long as they aren’t constantly shaming or berating you…super. And if they are doing so — and if it causes you substantial grief — you may have a decision to make that I never did: avoiding them yourself.
Choosing Adulthood
And it’s at this moment I return to the conversation I had with my 2 friends a couple of nights ago. We all struck upon what it means to make healthy choices: it means being an adult.
A stable adult doesn’t remain angry at another person for making peaceable decisions that differ from his. Children or emotionally unwell persons do that.
A stable adult doesn’t involve himself in a threat: submit to my demands or be shunned! Children, psychopaths or indoctrinated cult members do that.
But also this: a stable adult doesn’t choose to wallow in pathetic (but perhaps delicious) feelings of trauma over losing the approval and attention of his family. Sure, it’s understandable for awhile, but if you’re an adult? You will realize there’s no point, and you will get beyond it.
Without pretending to understand exactly your circumstances, I only hope you can imagine yourself — either now or in the future — choosing adulthood.
