There are few people in the world that appreciate denial, the pressing finality of the word — no. Yet, there are few words in the English dictionary that offer up such a perplexity of confusion as to their exact meaning. Does no mean no or, as I’ve come to observe in this complex world of ours; is it an invitation into the world of grey, the spiraling vortex of uncertainty when attempting to comprehend what another human being wants, or expects.

Even writing this, I can hear the collective — “what was the question?” gauging the level of no that would be appropriate. It’s the whole “no means no” unless, it means maybe. But then again, in rare instances, it can actually mean — yes.

Confusing, no?

Then there is maybe. The great out. It’s the one word in the English dictionary that I loathe. I think Facebook probably pushed me over the edge but this goddam word serves no purpose other than to demonstrate another’s unwillingness to be either friendly or, a friend.

The origins of the word come from old English, and the statement is “it may be that” which clearly demonstrates that it’s a non-answer. It’s like a tease or a mind fuck. Sure, it may be that I like you. Sure, it may be that I’ll come to your party…but don’t count on it.

There you have it — 2 words that rarely mean what they imply and yet, imply exactly what they intend.

How many of you like to have someone say no? It’s one of those denials that few want to hear and many of us will go to great lengths to change the outcome of - that door closing — and the finality of it. From the mundane to the uber important, the word has a similar effect on the brain, regardless of the urgency.

It would seem that many of us believe that no is always open for interpretation, or perhaps it’s the challenge of negotiating your way past the closed door. And that’s what makes the word so interesting: we rarely want to accept it as the “final answer.” I don’t even want to get into the whole “no means no” controversy with men vs women because any man that doesn’t understand the word in that context deserves a proper lobotomy and a lifetime pass to the back of the bus.

Unlike its counterpart (yes) no isn’t quite as definitive. When is the last time you tried to renegotiate a solid yes answer? It would be nice if no could be met with the same reverence but alas, we are fallible and admittedly, prone to changing our minds. And with that in the back of those feeble synapses of ours, we implicitly understand why no seems be be up for, at the very least, a halfhearted protest.

Maybe, on the other hand is entirely nefarious in its intent. It neither implies yes or no and in fact, is the most efficient way to end a conversation, leaving the asker the dubious distinction of questioning their place in the universe.

Think for a moment of all the times you have been met with a “maybe” and the frequency with which that word comes up when you’re looking to a friend to do you a good one.

In this regard and as the clearest example I can give, Facebook best illuminates this unholy word with its completely dysfunctional option to opt out of an invitation for birthday parties, important events, business openings and the myriad of reasons someone in your “friends” network could have for inviting you to something.

Just so I’m being completely clear: Maybe is the equivalent of “Fuck you.”

Harsh, I know but even if it’s not your intent, this is your safe way of telling the person asking. Unlike no, it is finite. Not open for negotiation or of changing the mind. Sure, you can ask the invited the intent with their use of maybe but with all of us having extremely busy lives, the most mundane of excuses will float such an answer. I don’t know what the stats are or if there’s even a way to track but my best guess is that far north of 50% of maybes are actually a solid no.

And that’s my rather acerbic take on this whole business. If you value your friendships — park that word — maybe for all eternity. If you don’t value your friendship, do the same. It’s a matter of decency. Just imagine someone asking if you would like to be friends on Facebook and they gave you the option to reply — maybe.

Thanks for reading.