On Attending Networking Events

A guide for the uninitiated, by the uninitiated

First, arrive. Bribe yourself to do so with the promise of a quick exit to the pub after the event. Often, the event will attempt to do this for you by offering free snacks and beer. (See note below on snacks).

When you arrive, try to be about 5 minutes early. This should be long enough to strike up a conversation with someone but not long enough for it to linger too long (unrelatedly, it’s also the about the time required to brush up on your Facebook newsfeed). Silently curse the organisers for starting late and straining your small talk. Catch up with your new acquaintances afterwards like long-lost friends (this should be easy because you will both be filled with relief at having someone to criticise the panellists to). Remember their names.

Always hang around awkwardly for a minute longer than is comfortable. This will allow time for a similarly uncomfortable networker to catch your eye.

When choosing a seat, you have two main options. Either sit silently next to the prettiest person in the room, or maximise your surface area by sitting in the middle of the room. This way, you have a chance of sitting near at least one fellow talkative person (it’s a numbers game).

If unsuccessful pre-event, be sure to ask an interesting question of the panelists. Because it will draw the other intelligent people to you like moths to a start-up flame. (But do try to avoid sounding like you’re promoting yourself). Also, because if you struggle to make conversation with one random person, it should be easy with 100.

Don’t eat unless you’ve already given up. You’re sexier without tomato sauce on your shirt speak more fluently without a mouth full of crisps. Drinking? Well, who could say no to a free craft IPA brewed in a shed with a rare species of Central American hops.

Finally. If possible, try to grow a beard and sport either skinnies (a type of trousers) or Lennon-esque reading glasses. If not, then just remember that all of the other startup yuppies are just as awkward as you (unless they’ve just already read this sweet guide).