Managing Depression.
Or trying, at least.
By JON WESTENBERG
Depression is something I’ve struggled with a lot over the past 10 years of my life. It hit me young and it stayed with me for my teenage years and my early 20’s. It turned what should have been achievable goals into insurmountable tasks.
I found myself pulling away from almost every project I started, having imagined a problem or an issue with it. I would conclude that whatever I was working on was a forgone conclusion, that it would end in failure and fiasco. The few times I followed through with projects only to have them fail at the end seemed to confirm to me that what I was doing was pointless.
That’s not the way I am now.
I wish I could tell you that I found a magical way to deal with my depression that made everything instantly better. But, that’s just not the case. There was no amazing juice diet or positive thinking. Taking the wheel, for me, was about mindfulness.
If I keep myself rooted in reality, conscious of the thoughts going through my head and the roots of my emotional reactions, I am far more able to control them. I thought I’d note down some of the things I’ve done to reign in the beast and start living a fuller, happier life. This is how I’ve been dealing with it.
I began to make a habit of writing down in a Moleskine the things that initiated depressed thoughts, every single day.
Keeping a trigger journal
This was the first step I took. I began to make a habit of writing down in a Moleskine the things that initiated depressed thoughts, every single day. If I ate too much fast food and fell into a guilt spiral, that went into a notebook. If I spent too many nights after work on my own without seeing other people, that went into my notebook. If I compared my half finished creative work to an award winning script or a highly circulated blog post, that went into my notebook. This was my trigger journal. Over time, I started to see patterns in the triggers, and I started to understand my emotional slumps as being a reaction to external things more than an internal problem. It helped me to put a finger on what created the depression that limited my life.
Finishing things
I started making myself finish a project, an idea, anything. It could be tiny. It could be the smallest thing. In fact, the first thing I finished was a two paragraph piece of flash fiction. I still have that, and I’m working on editing and expanding it now. But back when I wrote it, I felt like I had achieved something monumental. The next thing I finished was a collection of my flash writing, 23 pieces of work that were at most only 5 paragraphs. I turned it into a PDF book and sent it to a few of my friends. I felt like a million bucks.
It dawned on me that while the work I was finishing might have been as bad as it seemed in my head, it would never get better if I didn’t just finish it. If I didn’t call it a wrap and give it out to other people to hear their feedback and see it through someone else’s eyes. I started to feel less depressed about the work I did. That made me less likely to savagely attack my own personality. Big step.
Ignoring my preconceptions
The last, most important thing I did was to begin ignoring my own prejudices and preconceptions. I have a crushing fear of turning into my Dad, turning into a loser, turning into something I would hate. I used to have an idea in my head that it would happen no matter what I did! It’s debilitating to feel like that, and it made me doubt and second guess everything. It stopped me from having the freedom to make my own choices and do things that matched what I wanted to be. It made me choose things and do things to not be something, and that’s a negative way to live.
I started to write down the reasons I was doing things, every time I had made a choice about something. And then I looked at those reasons and tried to cut them down into something more accurate. And then I looked at those reasons and asked if they were at all true. That forced me to be honest with myself, and it forced me to come face to face with my preconceptions about who and what I was.
I don’t think what I’ve done is necessarily going to be for everyone. Believe me — seeing a counselor helped too, so professional aid is never a bad thing. Still, those steps helped me. I’m better now. I’m not 100% A-OK, but who is? I’m able to do things, to feel things, to be happy, to be in control and to handle difficult situations. I have a long list of self-improvements that are yet to come. But I’m confident that I can get there.
