This Makes me Scared

Sometimes I don’t really feel like a human being. Too many years sat in front of the laptop writing word after word can diminish the size of your world. The only real important thing is the newsletter that needs to be sent, the article to be published, the list of replies that you have been delaying day after day.

I am what one can call a Stoic, even though I like to see my approach to life more as… Zen, or in the words of the great Alan Watts “the watercourse way”. Even in high stress situations I am the calm guy or at least the guy who doesn’t panick and immediatly does something about it. But when I buy an airplane ticket… oh shit!

My heart beats fast, my fingers shake a bit, I can’t decide what to do next. I feel like cursing… a lot! I love to travel and there isn’t a thing that also challenges me the most. I am always scared that something might go terribly wrong or that I will find myself in such a clusterfuck that… Whatever, all symptons of the same fear, the only reasonable fear to have.

Today I booked my tickets to Thailand. It took me a year to book this. Yes, an entire year, 365 days ago I was about to buy the tickets and suddenly I received the email from the publishing house. Mission aborted. I stayed, I stayed for too long. This has been the year that I traveled the less: 5 days in Latvia and another 4 in Barcelona. But now… now is Thailand!

And the best part is a stop-over in Moscow, 15 hours in Moscow. I can’t wait to take a stroll through the Red Square in my flip flops and shorts… in November!

Love life. Scared as hell, but in love with it.