IMHO #3: Randy Newman’s meanest and/or funniest lyrics
It’s ironic that Randy Newman is best-known, at least in 2019 in places that aren’t Dodger stadium, for “You’ve Got a Friend in Me,” a very good song that is both A) sweet and B) not funny. Because, dear reader, it might surprise you to know that Randy Newman, the seemingly genial frizzy haired piano guy is a songwriter who is both A) hilarious and B) incredibly fucking mean. Randy Newman is also yet another on a long list of names who Seth MacFarlane should keep out of his fucking mouth.
Here are the funniest and/or meanest lines Randy Newman wrote, of course, IMHO:
Cleveland, city of light, city of magic
— “Burn On” (Sail Away)
The strings swell and you can almost hear Randy grinning as he bestows two magnificent descriptors on Cleveland, in a song about a river so polluted that it caught on fire.
Short people are just the same as you and I
— “Short People” (Little Criminals)
It’s funny because it’s sung by Glenn Frey, the universal symbol for all that is milquetoast and banal in this world. And it’s followed by “all men are brothers until the day they die,” which is exactly the kind of bullshit the Eagles would say. I picked this one, perhaps the only not overtly funny line in “Short People,” because every line in “Short People” would be the funniest thing practically any other songwriter would ever write.
I take from you your children and you say how blessed are we
You all must be crazy to put your faith in me
That’s why I love mankind
— “God’s Song (That’s Why I Love Mankind)” (Sail Away)
Hehe. Suckers.
She’s going to see the doctor
It’s just a regular checkup (oh no)
Plus she thinks she might be pregnant
Anyway, she dies
— “They Just Got Married” (Born Again)
This is after building an intimate portrait of two newlyweds moving to California — the kind of portrait he’d spent his whole career painting. “Fuck you for caring about some people I made up,” says Newman, in peak Brechtian form.
Spanish Inquisition
That’s a good one
Put people in a terrible position
I don’t even like to think about it
Well, sometimes I like to think about it
— “A Few Words in Defense of Our Country” (Harps and Angels)
In The Republic, Leontius comes upon a pile of corpses outside the North Wall. Initially he wants to look at them, but he’s disgusted — with the corpses themselves, and his own desire to look at them — so he looks away. Eventually he relents, makes for the corpses and says, “Look for yourselves, you evil wretches, take your fill of the beautiful sight.”
Yes he’s free to be put in a cage
In Harlem in New York City
And he’s free to be put in a cage
On the South Side of Chicago
And the West Side
And he’s free to be put in a cage
In Hough in Cleveland
— “Rednecks” (Good Old Boys)
There’s a saying among southern civil rights leaders: “In the south, the white man doesn’t care how close you get, as long as you don’t get too high. In the North, he doesn’t care how high you get, as long as you don’t get too close.”
When we get on the mike we’ll be number one
Even top D.M.C. and Run
— “Masterman and Baby J” (Land of Dreams)
This lyric isn’t funny until you hear him sing it, excuse me, rap it. Remember when people thought rap was a fad?
We give them money
But are they grateful
No, they’re spiteful
And they’re hateful
They don’t respect us
So let’s surprise them
We’ll drop the big one
And pulverize them
— “Political Science” (Sail Away)
I sing this to my dog when she gets stressed out. The techs seem alarmed whenever I do it at the vet’s office. I also sang this at a church picnic.
Look at that mountain
Look at those trees
Look at that bum over there, man
He’s down on his knees
— “I Love LA” (Trouble in Paradise)
“I Love LA” is the greatest song ever written because it is the only song that is both sincere and ironic at the same time.