This is not a joke. This is not political speech. This is not performance art. Everything I am writing here is completely factual. It is the truth, the whole truth, and I hope nothing but the truth.
My name is Jordan Laubaugh and I am a prostitute. I am a sex worker. There are no euphemistic spins coming here. No “and what I really mean is this.” I am not trying to make a point, I’m trying to make a buck.
I do mean prostitute. I mean engaging in sexual conduct with another person in return for a fee, money, or something else of value. (Specifically money in my case).
By sexual conduct I mean: Sexual intercourse, oral-genital contact, or any touching of the sexual organs (or another intimate part) of a person for the purpose of arousing or gratifying the sexual desire of either party.
The whole truth is that my work as a prostitute has been a continuous struggle. It is a tough business. While I had been thinking for years that I’d made my solicitation completely obvious to anyone I’ve encountered I have, as of yet, not had any takers.
This has been very difficult for my confidence and my self esteem. Offering up my most intimate parts to the world day after day after and night after night year after year only to be cumulatively rejected. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. #JusticeForJordan?
I’ve spent many nights alone in bed, having failed to convince anyone that mine was a bed worth sharing… Wondering to myself if I should just stop already… Just quit trying.
I mean… who would want this?
Since I’d failed to procure for myself a single client, perhaps it wouldn’t haunt me for the rest of my life? Maybe I could make it out and have a normal life? Maybe someone could still love me and cherish me as something other than a used up piece of human whore meat? I should at least try?
I mean, I’ve never really needed the money to be honest. I’m gainfully employed by a company that I’m fortunate enough to own. I make good money. I do meaningful work that I enjoy, with people that I admire and respect. I am a heavier set (but planning to diet soon), primarily heterosexual, white cisgendered male, in his late 20s, with genitalia that has been described as “average at best” (by me). I could tell you that I haven’t gotten any complaints from past sexual partners (non paid) but that wouldn’t be true, there have been some complaints. Not always made explicitly, but there have been plenty of “not called for a second date” scenarios in my life.
I sometimes think I’m being naive or too idealistic.
“Jordan, you have enough trouble giving it away for free man… You can’t possibly monetize it.”
But then I think, what if Colonel Sanders had given up when everyone told him he was crazy to want to pressure fry chicken and sell it to consumers at a reasonable price? Where would the world be today?
So I press on.
What do I do though? I know I’m worth it. How do I convince you? Or them? Or… I mean, like literally anyone….
Then it hit me. Maybe I have just been being too subtle? Aha!
Maybe I should have stated it more explicitly to my potential customers?
Maybe just walking around a shopping mall, sunglasses on, air pods in, not speaking to anyone ever wasn’t the best strategy?
Maybe the long hours sitting silently in Starbucks, reading mindless Facebook posts from distant friends wasn’t really time well spent after all. Did ordering an Americano not convey that I’m an AmericanHOE.
Maybe I needed to take the first step, to make the initial gesture, to make sure that my intentions were clear. So shout out Gwen Stefani, it is time to leave no doubt.
Jordan Laubaugh | Rates For Sexual Intercourse Services 2018 & Beyond
Prerequisites: You must be 18 or older with a valid government issued photo ID and no criminal record for assaulting or murdering sex workers (I’ll supply these as well). That’s it. Those are my only criteria. Clients of all genders, ethnicities, religious views, socioeconomic classes, education levels, political affiliations, and sexual orientation are welcome. I am an equal opportunity enjoyer!
One-off Services Rate Sheet: (Max time 1 hr)
Anal Sex: $0.01
Vaginal Sex: $0.01
Massage with handjob finish: $0.01
You give me a handjob: $0.01
Blanket Consent: $0.01 per hour. $0.01 per load bonus.
Let all your dreams cum true with this package! You get to have me for as long as you want, I won’t ever say stop. No limits and no holds barred. The answer to your fantasy! Load bonus means every time I cum or you cum the cost goes up $0.01. This is great for bachelor or bachelorette parties as you can split the cost of me between as many people as you want. That’s right. Split the cost and split me like a piece of firewood. Everyone can take a turn or take me at the same time. You call the shots, even if those shots burst right across my eager face. Minimum 3-hour booking with upfront payment, time over 3 hours will be billed at-rate in hourly increments. Does not include permanent damage, intentional piercing of my skin, tattooing, or burning. I also refuse to work with asbestos.
Non-Sexual Companionship: $1,000 per hour. $500 bonus if you cry talking about your ex. You pay for food.
Maybe you just want someone to spend some time with? Someone to talk to… I am a great listener and charming conversationalist. I am happy to sleep over and cuddle during a non-sexual encounter. (Hours spent sleeping are billed at rate).
I will go with you to nightclubs, work functions, dinner, conventions, and so on. I like music and dancing and know my way around a wine menu. Since I run a business during my day job I am very comfortable at business social functions and can hold my own conversationally talking shop about a wide range of businesses.
Side note: If you identify as a heterosexual male or just want to “appear hetero” for a specific function I am happy to shave my legs and put on a dress. I can also just be a guy and pretend to be your friend at clubs to make you cooler and things like that, help you meet girls, etc. Totally up to you.
Additional Terms & Conditions Apply.
- I reserve the right to refuse service to any customer, for any reason, with no explanation necessary.
- The mutual consent is laid out up front and agreed to. Neither party consents to anything in addition to what is specified.
For example. If for a 3-hour blanket consent session you suspend me by my ankles from the ceiling in total bondage so that my mouth is at cock (or strap on) level for you and all of your friends to be able to easily skull fuck me while the rest whip my exposed genitals, that is A-OK. If you continue past the 3 hour mark, you will need to pay me (hour by hour) for the additional hours for as long as you want (I’ll also require food/water/shelter if longer than 6 hours and I’d like an opt-out window after 24 hours (and again every 24 hours after that) in case I have other commitments to attend to. If you have me in bondage and refuse to release me or pay me this would become false imprisonment and I will pursue appropriate criminal and civil damages, thank you.
3. If I have to travel more than 30 minutes, I will require a per diem for travel expenses. Paid in advance.
4. Between the hours of 5AM and 5PM rates are doubled.
5. The taking of photographs and videos is permitted providing I am granted the copyright (and a 50% royalty from any earnings generated from these works).
6. I respect your right to privacy. All client information is kept in the strictest confidence. If you run for re-election, no one will ever hear from me about our interactions. No matter how corrupt or small-handed you are. You are free to share any information about me that you like.
7. I exclusively offer these services within the United States of America. I am happy to travel to all 50 states to provide sex for money. However, while I am traveling internationally, even in jurisdictions where prostitution may be legal, I am unwilling to engage in sex work of any kind. I do not want to risk being in violation of other countries visa/immigration policies. I also don’t want to ruin my vacation! So sorry elder Italian Speedo wearers, you’ll have to buy local.
I intend to save up money to have this post turned into a t-shirt, so that I can more easily solicit individuals across the United States to purchase my sex services.
If you are wondering about my willingness for any specific activity or fetish, please DO NOT contact me to ask. Simply know that the answer is, “Yes, I will do that.”
I’d also like to make clear a few broader questions that are likely to come up in response to this post (I hope).
- I am generally familiar with the legal framework around sex work in the United States across various jurisdictions.
- I am aware that this post is NOT covered under 1st amendment protections since what I am advertising is the sale of sex for money.
- Medium.com has every right to censor or remove this post, which they would have even if it were protected speech (which it is not). If they choose to do that I will be sad, but I will repost this elsewhere. Simply Google something like, “Jordan Laubaugh Prostitute” and you should be able to find it. Follow me on Twitter or Instagram for more updates. If I am removed from those platforms, you know, because I am a prostitute, I will either emerge elsewhere or get messages to the world through friends and lawyers who are not prostitutes (unlike me, who is, in fact, a prostitute).
- To my fellow prostitutes/sex workers. I would be proud to associate with you in any capacity that you would like. If you have a similar rate sheet published I would be happy to link to it. I’ll retweet anything you send me for promotional purposes (providing I don’t consider it likely to cause harm). I am happy to arrange, cause, encourage, include, persuade, or procure anything I can for you.
- If anyone is interested in supporting my journey as a prostitute and helping to encourage me being procured for sex, please do that.
Thank you for your consideration. I look forward to having sex with you in exchange for money.
- also founder of Pandora Modeling
Originally published on April 6, 2018
Last Updated: December 9, 2018.