This is not a slam post. Not really. I am not a hater.

But if I say something that most of us are thinking… But that we’re not sharing… That gives a mild dose shame to a large swath of people, does that make me a hater? I guess I’ll let the haters decide.

I am just going to put it out there.

If a situation happened to arise where I learned that someone who I cared for very much, knew quite well, or that I just had great admiration for happened to be dead; when I finally collected myself and decided to share what they meant to me as an individual with my friends or community…

I would not use a fucking hashtag in my comment.

It took zero seconds of reflection for me to reach that understanding. I just instantly knew as soon as the thought popped in my mind while checking twitter on December 5, 2013. Before my mind could even arrange these words to explain it, I knew that that would be an asshole thing to do.

Using math to prove arbitrary points is also an asshole thing to do. So I am just going to pretend to do it. I’m actually just using it as camouflage for more direct insults.

I’m not 100% sure why I knew that would be an asshole thing to do.

It’s kind of like, I would not live tweet my parents funerals if they die before I do. It’s just not cool to do things like that.

I am however 90% sure that 95% of people that “pay their respects” via twitter/facebook about dead celebrities are only 100% sure of who they are because they saw a movie either starring the deceased or saw a movie with an A-list lead actor portraying the deceased.

Determining what percentage of their motivation to see such movies was coaxed by a scintillating offer to hear Matt Damon do a bad Australian (I mean Irish?) accent and play soccer with his hands is an exercise that I’d better leave up to to “Da Interwebz”

Additionally, 100% of these ne’er-do-well’s; upon being called out regarding their blatantly self serving, tasteless approach to “E-Grieving”; perhaps while reading a suggestion that they didn’t really know the deceased so well that they should feel the need to post 5 tweets per day about them all week; will rebut any accusation by immediately and aggressively googling the deceased wiki page in order to list off facts, masquerading as if they had known the facts since birth.

Did that make sense? What I’m saying is, if you called one of these hoe’s out on being ignant (I know how I spelled it Sir) they would be all up in wikipedia quoting you shit to prove “yo ignant ass” wrong.

I am 100% sure that I got a 72% in precalculus, so you should probably treat all of these percentages more as approximations.

It’s something deeper than all that b.s though. It’s not like you have to be buddies with someone to be bummed that their dead or to talk about it. Suggesting that would be absurd (I know, I kind of just did already)

I look at it like this. If for the last 500 days a person never once crossed your mind or had anything to do with your life or influenced you in any direct way and then you saw that the news of their death was trending on Twitter and you just had to rush in (deploying whatever the trending death tag of the moment was) and pay your respects. You are an asshole.

#SorryNotSorry

You will never be popular. None of us will ever like you. Because deep down, you’re just that slimy type of person that gives us the creeps. You’re Kip Drordy in the flesh.

People are going to catch on really really fast. They will abandon you en masse. You’ll be back to where you started, holding an empty sack.

You are using someone else’s death to try and increase your follower count, get likes/views on your post, donations to your unrelated cause, and other asshole moves.

And I’m not talking about that cool masculine type of asshole that all the chicks dig. I’m talking about the ones that stand in crowded groups of other assholes in all public settings heatedly debating minutae to avoid having to deal with the pressure of genuine human interaction.

I read somewhere that using real world case studies can make a story more interesting for the reader. Here you go.

This guy is an asshole and the saps that retweeted him are, well I guess it goes WITH saying this time, saps.

https://twitter.com/ChakerKhazaal/statuses/409091114059456512

This guy is definitely an asshole. And yeah let’s be honest. A dopey looking loser.

https://twitter.com/atmicsplendour/statuses/409760189160517632

So is this one… (also after reading his wiki he might be a terrorist?)

https://twitter.com/M_McGuinness_SF/statuses/409287339715080193

This chick is an asshole too. And she’s not even trying. So she probably doesn’t shave her pussy either. Gross!

https://twitter.com/BenishHShah/statuses/409746366655500288

This dude is a pussy and an asshole. You know I mean the tweeter not the pictured guy right?

https://twitter.com/TheSwa

I thought this guy was gonna win the biggest asshole ever award.

https://twitter.com/jamalhbryant/statuses/409720421034905600

But then…. These two queen’s appeared magically.

And the search was over. I’d offer these serial trolls the award but it’s likely that both would hungrily accept it, proudly display it, and then promptly use it to solicit donations, to jump start doomed political campaigns, to get on television, to promote those political campaigns, to solicit more donations,and then finally to have someone else take the fall for violating campaign finance laws (by stealing the aforementioned money). I’m not saying that that would (or has already) happened, I’m just saying, “do we really want to risk it?”

If you think I just saved you from misguidedly donating your money to any of these pranksters, you are encouraged to reallocate the funds to me viaGoogle Wallet: Jordan@Pandora-Entertainment.com.

I’ll probably just spend it on shoes or something. But I’ll at least send you pictures, cool?

Or to avoid that whole snafu. I’m just gonna say these folks are all really big assholes and end abruptly.

Thank you for reading,

Jordan Laubaugh
Google +
Snapchat: JordanLaubaugh

P.S If you absolutely loved this post, it would mean a whole heck of a lot to me if you would scroll down and press the Recommend button. If you just kind of liked it, no pressure!