How Axl Rose crushed my secret crush
Have you ever had a secret crush on someone before?
And how did that work out for you?
It’s okay. I’ve been there, too.
I don’t have many instances where having a crush worked out for me, but I do have this slap-in-the-face story of my 7th grade secret crush, well, crushing me. Unknowingly. Via AIM.
And I blame Axl Rose for all of it.
If you’ve never heard of AOL Instant Messenger (AIM), you were probably home schooled. Because in my middle school, everybody who was anybody had an AIM account. It was an instant messaging program much like the ones on Facebook and Google today, where you could message your buddies. Instantly. Hence the name.
I moved to a new school in 7th grade and thought AIM was probably the best place to make new friends. (Because talking in person was sooo yesterday). I spent an embarrassing amount of time setting up my profile to include everything everybody needs to know about me.
And by ‘everybody’ I mean my secret crush, Michael.
I gathered most of what I knew about Michael from two sources: a) his own AIM profile and b) eaves dropping on his conversations. (Again — because talking in person was sooo yesterday. And also, I was terrified.)
Even with the little knowledge I had of him, I made sure to make it clear in my AIM profile that I was interested in the same things he was interested in. For example: 80s rock music.
I had never listened to 80’s rock music before. But if Michael thought it was cool, I thought it was cool. To this day, I still know all the words to Pour Some Sugar on Me.
I immediately downloaded the song from Lime Wire and played it on repeat. I imagined him thinking of me every time he heard it, just mustering up the courage to finally ask me out.
Several months passed.
I kept playing the song and fantasizing about us being together but I couldn’t help but wonder why he wasn’t, like, even trying to talk to me on AIM or anything. But even still, I was holding out hope.
Until the next time he changed his AIM profile.
He still had the Sweet Child O’ Mine lyrics, but now they were preceded by something along the lines of:
“This song is dedicated to my beautiful girlfriend, _________ (totally forgot her name). Because every time I hear this song, I think of her. I’m so glad I finally had the courage to ask her out. Oh, and Jordin? Have fun drowning in your sorrow every time you hear this song for the rest of your life.”
Okay, he didn’t include the last part explicitly. But he might as well have.
I was crushed by my crush. All thanks to Axl Rose writing that wretched song.
Not only did I realize that the entire time I had a crush on Michael he liked someone else, but the EXACT fantasy I had of him thinking of me every time he heard that song was also totally crushed. He wasn’t thinking of me, he was thinking of that bitch _________ (still can’t remember it). They were probably making out to it right then and there.
Also, she wasn’t a bitch. She was a very nice girl that was pretty and good at hockey.
Anyway, every time I hear Sweet Child O’ Mine (which plays in bars and during gatherings more often than you’d realize), I do my best to just ignore it. If everyone is singing or dancing along and making it impossible to ignore, I do my best to sing and dance with everybody else, hoping no one notices my inner 7thgrader silently suffering behind my eyes.
So if you’re around me and that song starts playing, don’t be offended if I get up and “go to the bathroom” for the next four minutes and fifty-nine seconds. It’s not you, it’s me.
Have you ever had a secret crush go wrong? Were you embarrassed in front of everyone or did you silently wallow in your own private heartbreak like me?
Do tell, do tell.
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Originally published at ourweirdlives.com on February 21, 2017.