Gordon College Publication Makes a Necessary Comeback after Multiyear Hiatus
Student-run publication If I Told You is back to provide an anonymous safe space for the campus community.
“I would not be who I am today without If I Told You. I, myself, just as the founder, looked into If I Told You and saw myself reflected back.”
— Drake Sprowles ’24, current Editor-in-Chief of If I Told You
The college years are a major formative period for many people. Further education, questioning of oneself, and engagement with the adult world lead to the redefining of what one may have identified with throughout adolescence.
Common spheres that Christian college students wrestle with include religious affiliation, beliefs in religious figures, gender identity, sexuality, familial relations, and mental health.
Many such topics have been historically treated as taboo in religious communities such as Gordon College and other Christian organizations. Students who deal with such struggles often lack outlets for expressing themselves due to stigma and rejection.
Regardless of religious or political affiliation, many students have been unable to openly share their opinions on controversial subjects due to fear of hate, rejection, or harm from the Gordon community.
What is If I Told You?
If I Told You, a student-run publication at Gordon College, has always sought to provide a safe opportunity for such people to have a voice. Their former website from 2017 invited Gordon community members to “create bridges and larger spaces where all are seen, recognized, and known”.
“[It is] being able to help others truly walk through and wrestle with tough and personal topics, and then offering them the opportunity to be both beautifully and horribly seen. That is what If I Told You is,” said Sprowles.
Its mission statement expresses that the publication “seeks to combat the sense of isolation these individuals experience through stories and dialogue, as well as to assist the Gordon community in thoughtfully and compassionately engaging with these topics”.
It is not only a publication that delves into identity and shame, but it is also a solely anonymous space. The authors of every submission are removed, only to be known by the current editor-in-chief, to provide a truly safe outlet.
Though invaluable, If I Told You was inactive during the pandemic, but it made a surprising return in the fall of 2022, after being close to unheard of by the student body at the time.
Faculty advisor since the reboot, Dr. Kerilyn Harkaway-Krieger, has been working with the 2022–2023 and 2023–2024 teams to re-introduce the publication to the community. She is passionate about furthering its reach and utilizing its thoughtful design in new ways.
“If I Told You was really started to try to combat shame. What am I ashamed of, what do I feel that I can’t talk about? We [should] just keep asking ‘where are those spaces?’” said Harkaway-Krieger.
The Origins
Maddie Miyares ’23, the editor-in-chief responsible for the 2022 reboot, shared valuable history that they gained from heavy research and discussions with former staff members.
“2007 was the first edition, but that one was not an official edition. That was a group of students who just did a zine together. In 2010, a student who was a freshman during the first edition decided to make it official,” said Miyares.
The publication existed for over a decade, touching on topics such as Purity and Beyond Colorblind. However, in 2019, it was abruptly thrown into an indefinite hiatus.
The editor-in-chief at the time was struggling at Gordon due to mental health and other community issues, so they had to drop out immediately after the 2019 edition was released. The rest of the staff, who were underclassmen, were unable to take the position afterward.
If I Told You faded away for a few years, and the community did not know when it would return. While old editions were always available in the Jenks Library archives, most students in the following years did not know the publication ever existed.
The Return
Marginalized communities still exist on the campus of Gordon College, and many topics continue to be left unspoken due to fear of shame and rejection. Broader studies have also shown that most people within such communities are greatly struggling due to societal shame.
A 2023 study done by the American Psychological Association surveyed people who left behind their former religion. Out of nearly 650 participants, 33.4% stated that they left due to religious trauma or unwelcoming communities.
According to a study from 2022, 50–60% of LGBTQ+ adults from ages 18–29 in the United States experience symptoms of anxiety and depression.
It only takes knowledge of such consequences to know that people questioning their various identities and affiliations should not be left unheard.
Miyares was the main person involved in bringing back the publication after being approached by student government members about reviving it.
They had originally doubted their ability to take on such a feat due to their workload at the time. However, they were greatly inspired after a “Gordon” meme page, run by a former Gordon student, spread hate against multiple communities online.
“I felt like it was time to initiate something more positive. I texted back [the Gordon College Student Association member] and told him that I don’t care if [If I Told You] was way too much for me, I’m gonna do it anyway,” said Miyares.
They not only gathered a staff team for that fall, but also contacted former editors, researched the old editions, and collaborated with the administration to properly run such a publication.
Miyares attributed the return of the publication to a few former alumni staff members who provided great help and advice.
“Specifically David Denison, CJ Meckback, and Zach Alexander. They were not the only people involved, but having them be willing to speak to me and offer other forms of help was really encouraging,” said Miyares.
The Future
The current staff is hoping to utilize the 2023–2024 edition’s theme, Identity Formation: Gender, by including not only marginalized voices but also stories from all aspects of the community. The 2023–2024 Call to Submissions reminds us that “every person has an experience with gender.”
“I’d like to keep thinking about how to get more students engaged. There is a common ground here [with the new topic], with the hope that everyone can engage,” said Harkaway-Krieger. “Hopefully any Gordon student, faculty, or staff could pick [it] up and with some thinking, say something about it.”
While If I Told You has a bright future planned for this academic year, it is unknown if it will return in the fall. This is due to the lack of a sufficient candidate to take on the editor-in-chief position, much like the original hiatus.
“I would rather see it go dormant for however long, to be revived by somebody than to hand it on without the full assurance that it would continue in the way that it needs to,” said Sprowles.
Although all parties involved would hope to see the publication survive another year, Sprowles is not upset by the idea that it may fall back into dormancy again.
“It’s not the first time it’s gone on a hiatus, and if it does it again, it won’t be the first time it comes back. It’s Avalonian. Just as the idea that King Arthur will return in the time of Britain’s greatest need, If I Told You will return when it is needed.” said Sprowles.
