Growing Pains

Jorie Mako
Sep 5, 2018 · 2 min read
by eberhard grossgasteiger on Unsplash

i’m sorry i’m sorry sorry
he spits it back in my face
an over cooked dish i have served him more times than either of us can bear
you haven’t even done anything he says
but somehow you still find a way to apologize

my downcast eyes
hunched shoulders
silently chant sorry sorry sorry in silence
he shakes his head in disgust
i swallow my tears because crying elicits
more incredulity more sorry’s more disgust

how. how can you apologize when you have no voice to raise
under the part of my mind huddled in the corner desperate for his approval, his affection
a thought tumbles through
you, have made my existence something to regret

every beat of my heart
and the illicit lust flowing from it
shame shame shame sorry sorry sorry
i apologize for doing nothing
for wanting happiness in all the wrong smiles and bodies

i am 16 years old and i have never held the hand of the girl who never needs an apology
i am 18 years old and shame rolls over me as i cry in the shower sorry sorry sorry
the taste of her kiss made bitter with his regret
i am 20 years old and heartbreak brings razors singing back to my skin
i want to ask for your affection
because the world has ended for the first time
because every time a girl leaves me in tears
i am the one tossing apologies at their feet
and they say

why are you apologizing
and i look down so they can’t see your shame in my mouth
hunch my shoulders to hide
your disgust on my face

i am sorry because i have regret
i am sorry because i have shame
i am sorry because i have hate
i am 23 years old
i wear clothes meant for the boyhood past i never had
i have eyes that will meet yours
and squared up scarred shoulders
i do not say sorry for these things
i ask you why don’t you apologize
for raising me to believe
i am something to say sorry for.

Jorie Mako

navigating the consequences of youth. primarily preoccupied with the art of getting lost between pages, phrases, and people.

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