I Think My Roommate, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Has Eaten Everything In the House Again

ME: “Hey man.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: [Watching “Ellen”] “Hey.”

ME: “Yeah … so I was just looking for a piece of fruit in the kitchen and there’s literally nothing left.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Oh. Hmm.”

ME: “Dude, I got that stuff yesterday. I bought an apple, two pears, three plums, four strawberries and five freakin’ oranges. It was all over there on the counter when I left for work this morning.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “It’s honestly kind of weird that you counted it all up, man. [Doing his impression of me] “I own four strawberries, I own four strawberries, I own four strawberries …”

ME: “Stop it.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Then quit counting your fruit like a crazy person.”

ME: “Maybe I’m acting a little crazy, but it’s not the first time this has happened, Caterpillar. I constantly make runs to Trader Joe’s and you constantly eat everything I bring home.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “So I ate some fruit. So what? I’ll give you a few bucks. OK? Now please let me watch this next segment. Justin Timberlake is on.”

ME: “You will not give me a few bucks! Fact: You don’t have any money. You don’t have a wallet! You don’t even have pockets! I don’t know why I agreed to let you stay here until you became a butterfly. I thought this was a much quicker process. Meanwhile, you just sit on that couch, taking occasional trips to the kitchen to eat. Why haven’t you transformed, yet? Where are your wings? When will you fly away like you promised?”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Shhhhh! Just let me watch this part. Just shut up a little …”

ME: “I will not shut up a little! And I’m not going to drop this. It’s becoming a real problem.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “What’s wrong with sharing? That’s what roommates do. What’s mine is yours, what’s yours is mine, blah blah blah. You’re being totally ridiculous.”

ME: “You think I’m being ridiculous? Did you really think I wouldn’t notice that you also ate the chocolate cake? Huh? Or the ice cream cone? Or my pickle? Or the Swiss cheese? You’re not a caterpillar, you’re a vacuum cleaner!”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Ooooooooh! I ate a precious pickle! The precious pickle is gone! And I had a slice of Swiss cheese! Call in the United Nations! Have me arrested. If I had arms, I’d be like, ‘Have me cuffed.’ But I don’t have arms. OK? You think that’s fair?”

ME: “You’re being a real jerk.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “And you’re being totally selfish. If the situation was reversed — if we were out in the garden — I’d tell you to make yourself at home, just like you told me when I got here, and I’d mean it. I wouldn’t be taking a daily inventory. OK? I can guarantee you that! And I wouldn’t confront you during your favorite TV show.”

ME: “I’m coming home from work, day after day. Meanwhile, you’ve made a caterpillar-shaped indentation on my sofa that’s not coming out. No chance. That sofa will always look like a blob sat there every afternoon for two weeks watching daytime television. Know why? Huh? I’ll say it: It’s because you’re just getting fatter. KNOW WHY? BECAUSE YOU’RE EATING ALL MY FOOD!”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Dude. I’m hungry. Like, very hungry. What am I supposed to do? Tell me and I’ll do it.”

ME: “It’s called a grocery store! Quite the concept, huh? It’s called getting up off the couch and slithering, or crawling, or rolling down to the market and buying your own groceries for once. Barter if you have to. Get some fruit for the house. Share it with me. I’d love three plums or four strawberries right about now. Meanwhile, you’re staying here rent free, taking advantage of my kindnesses.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “I think you’re overreacting, bro.”

ME: “Do you, bro? Huh? Do you think I’m overreacting? Bro? Is that a fact? Well, how about this. Why don’t you just go ahead and eat the rest of the food in this place. Will you do that? WILL YOU DO THAT FOR ME? Will you eat every single thing I have in my kitchen? Will you? Please? Just eat it all. What do I need with food? I can subsist on water and whatever scraps and morsels I had to eat before you got here.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “I don’t know how to talk to you when you get like this.”

ME: “Take it all. I mean it. Go ahead and eat that salami I was saving for Friday.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: [Quietly] “I already did.”

ME: “What did you just say?”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “I said I ate your salami. YOU HAPPY NOW? YOU CAUGHT ME!”

ME: I KNEW IT!

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: [Exhaling] “Listen. Let’s be rational adults, caterpillar to man. I need protein. I’m going to be a butterfly soon. Pre-butterflies need salami. It’s a fact. Look it up. I honestly didn’t think you would miss it.”

[Long pause]

ME: [Trembling] “What about my lollipop?”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Gone.”

ME: “And my cherry pie?”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Also gone. Long gone.”

ME: “And my sausage?”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Eaten. Digested. Memories.”

ME: “I’m going to simply ask you this: What’s left for me? I have low blood-sugar. I need … something.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Let’s see … well, I ate the watermelon and the last cupcake about fifteen minutes ago. So there’s, um … there’s a green leaf I tracked in from outside. I was going to munch on it later tonight because I have a bit of a stomachache. But … you want my leaf, man? Huh? It’s over there. By the toaster. See it? It’s green. Want it?”

ME: “What do you think?”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “I think that by offering you this leaf, I am offering you everything I have in the world! I have nothing else. And I just missed the whole Justin Timberlake interview.”

ME: [Pause] “Fine.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Fine, what?”

ME: “Fine, I’ll take the leaf.”

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Good. I’m really glad. Will you grab me some water while you’re over there?”

[I get the leaf and, for him, a cup of water.]

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “How’s it taste? You might try a little pepper on that thing. Actually, could I have a nibble? I think it would help my stomach, like, quite a bit.”

ME: “SURE! HERE! WHY DON’T YOU TAKE THE WHOLE THING?!”

[I throw it at him.]

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “Jeez. I just wanted a nibble.”

ME: You’re a monster.

THE VERY HUNGRY CATERPILLAR: “I honestly don’t see it that way. I’m just doing what it takes to digest everything around me and, eventually, digest myself. It sounds gross, but that’s what it takes to grow antennae, wings and a thorax. Seriously. Look it up. And soon, I will be a beautiful butterfly. And you — you! — will still be a guy who’s counting his strawberries. [Munching] Yum. This is some darned good leaf.”