How to Create Lasting and Effective Relationships.

by Joseph Brown

“There can be no friendship without confidence, and no confidence without integrity.” — Samuel Johnson

In a world of “I’ll do it myself” machoism and a constant fight for feminism how do we get along enough to create synergetic, interdependent realities? I’ll answer that in just a moment. But before I give my opinion on how to create lasting and effective relationships, I would like to give a brief explanation on how us human beings operate.

In times past numerous of studies on the effects on infants that are deprived human contact have shown that these infants do not develop fully and sometimes even die due to lack of affection. The pioneer of these types of experiments is American psychologist Harry Harlow. After opening the door for these types of experiments, newer studies showed that premature infants who received regular physical contact developed more rapidly compared to those who received fewer physical touches.

Now don’t get me wrong, I am not saying that we are infants that need special attention in order to operate, nor am I saying that independence and human equality is causing division within human relationships. However, I am attempting to point out that it’s in our nature as humans to thrive in community, interdependence is the highest form of relational maturity and cooperation is better than competition…most of the time.

| “…no confidence without integrity.”

Integrity can be defined as doing the right thing even when no one is looking. Integrity is the foundation for true confidence because it helps you to reaffirm to yourself that you are able to do what is right not for the sake of approval or applause but for the sake of what’s right.

consistent acts of integrity will boost your self esteem which will allow confidence to pour out into your relationships.

|”There can be no friendship without confidence…”

The fastest way to build confidence is by keeping small commitments that you make to yourself. This can be commitments as small has not hitting the snooze button when your alarm goes off to as big as committing to run 5 miles every morning. The more commitments that you keep to yourself the more confident you will be when making commitments to other people.

In his book “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”, Stephen Covey explains the differences between private victories and public victories. The first three habits focus on the private victories. Within in these three habits Covey explains the process of going from dependence to independence. He explains how by using our conscious, free will, self awareness and imagination we can rescript our lives and align our actions so that they are congruent with our values and principles.

This concept of reinventing ourselves is so imperative to our level of maturity and relational success because it reaffirms the idea that we are responsible to make things happen in our lives and this ultimately helps us to thrive in relationships with others.

|”Do unto others as you will do unto thyself.”

In conclusion, the only way we can have effective and lasting interdependent relationships is by first obtaining private victories and control in our own lives so that we can gain public victories with other independent individuals.


  1. Create a list of three commitments to keep to yourself (big or small) and celebrate your private victories for 30 days.
  2. Make three commitments to a friend or family member (big or small) and celebrate your public victories for 30 days.

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