Cat Person From The Cats’ Perspective

Joey Clift
2 min readDec 14, 2017


My owner Robert gently pet me while texting with some lady named Margot. His pets had kind of a lunging motion, practically pouring his hand down my back. It was a terrible pet. A very, very bad pet. Robert is the only owner I’ve had so I don’t have a big basis for comparison, but … man. It was not pleasant.

A few weeks later, it seemed like things were getting pretty serious with Margot. She’s super young. Like, kitten age and he’s super old. Like, a very old adult cat’s age so it probably won’t work out. Also, I think their only real connection is red vines. I would get it if they related over something delicious, like fish but red vines I just don’t get.

From the sounds of it, Robert is setting up an imaginary relationship between me and her dead cat. Mu (Robert’s other cat) doesn’t think this is weird, but I do. How would you like it if your owner tried to set you up with a cat ghost? God, my owner is lame.

Eventually, Robert invited Margot over to our house. She was really impressed that he owned his own furniture for some reason and he, like always, was drunk. I’m not at all interested in her as a person or as a character so Mu and I took the opportunity to hide in a closet.

After a few hours, Margot went home. She seemed pretty embarrassed and Robert seemed really pleased with himself. Afterward, he picked me up and started petting me. His pets, like always were terrible. I was biting him, which I think is a pretty clear sign that I didn’t want to be pet, but he just kept going. He was also saying “yeah, yeah. You like that” while petting me which seemed weird. I’m not sure if he even knows how to pet a cat but whatever’s going on, he’s clearly really bad at physical contact and also gauging consent of that physical contact.

It’s been a few weeks and Robert talks about Margot all the time even though she clearly isn’t texting him back. I heard she doesn’t think Mu and I were real. I haven’t seen her besides that one time so maybe she isn’t real? I don’t know. This whole thing isn’t going to have much of an effect on me.

Robert just got back from a bar and now he’s calling Margot a whore because he thinks she’s sleeping with her friend. I’m not sure if he knows what the word “whore” means.