When his (my) heart rips in a half

Call me Mathews
Aug 25, 2017 · 4 min read
The image is kinda accurate.

So, here’s my story: it involves a barista, a phone number and me, running as fast as I possibly can.

I’m gonna muster every ounce of confidence I have, and cannonball into the water… — Teddy Geiger.

Have you ever tried to gather confidence for a long time but you were unable to do so, also for a long time? I think we all have been through that. To be fair, fear is a natural response to whichever is new, challenging or embarrassing. And yep, I had fear; fear to rejection.

Rejection. Oh rejection, thou art a heartless wench.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. I’ve had a crush on this barista girl for like 2 months now. Imagine, the most beautiful red head you’ve ever seen. Now add the cutest smile and a very tender voice, but dont forget the most expressive eyes ever. Amazing, huh?

“Does she even call you Matt?, thats sooooo sweet” — one of my closest friends.

When I first told my pals about me having a crush on her, the first thing they told me was “Hey, dude! She sounds great, you should ask her out!” and “You should ask her for her phone number”. Now. For me, the first one was completelly out of the list. You know, I’m not the boldest or most suave guy ever. I’m rather shy. And asking a girl out that barely knows me seemed like too much for me, so i decided to ask her for her number.

Enter, my crush. Now, keep in mind I can talk to her, thats not an issue; otherwise I wouldn’t be able to have my morning coffee while reviewing papers. It’s the number thing that seems impossible for me to say out loud.

So for the past two months or so, I was willing to go out there to the counter, say hi, and ask for her number. So far the attempts were zero (until today). I find myself asking for my coffee totally confident, oh boy, you should see me asking for coffee. But the second asking for her number crossed my mind I’d go completelly stutterer. So yeah, I would thank her for the coffee and go back to my seat, as a highschool dude who can’t ask a girl to be his prom date because the quarterback has already asked her out.

THE day

So, I have a friend that since I told her about my crush encouraged me to go and talk to her asking for that number. And today I was having a coffee with her. We waited literally hours for my crush’s shift to end, because you know, it would be weird to ask her in the middle of the coffee shop.

The moment had arrived. My crush was saying goodbye to her coworkers, as cute as she is. And adrenaline is rushing through my veins, ready to atand up and go for it. Aaand she exits the store. Suddenly I couldn’t move and my friend was giving me that oh-we-have-waited-too-long-you-better-go look. So I manage to stand up, grab my phone and exit as well. She was like a few ft away so I ran. I called her name and she stopped.

— Oh, hi there! you scared me! — she said.

— I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to… got a minute?

— It’s ok, yeah, what’s up?

And I was too nervous already, stuttering a bit if you can imagine.

— You know, I dont know how to say this, but here it goes: I think you are a very pretty girl and I’d like to know you better. Do you think I can have your phone number? — I said a bit quckly since I was about to enter in a panic attack. And she looked me, with those cute eyes, now showing she felt really sorry.

— I’m so sorry, but you know, I have a boyfriend… so…

And, yeah, you can actually pinpoint the second when my heart ripped in a half. I just wanted to get out of there.

— Oh, I get it, it’s ok — oh boy, it was not ok at all.

— Sorry…

— Dont worry, have a nice day! — I said as I smiled to her, in the end it wasn’t her fault.

So, yeah, I’ve been quite sad since then, and I know me very well to know I will for a while. I’ll be fine tho. Nobody dies due to rejection… I think.

And I’ve been thinking a lot, so there’s a list of things I learned (in a quite painful but bearable way) today:

  • If a girl lets you down because you tried to know her better, there’s a reason you may not quite understand at first, but you will, and you’ll be fine. This girl let me down gently, so I thank her for that.
  • Expressing feelings is better than having them inside your chest. In the end I can have closure now and try to move on. Althought is easier to say than to actually do.
  • Being let down outside of a coffee shop is better than being let down inside, because everyone is listening.
  • This wasn’t a traumatic experience per se, and I know one can bare things way hurtful, but oh boy, when you’ve had some rejection experiences like me, having one of those again hurts like a mofo.

So yeah, that’s about the size of it. I think I’ll have a nap.

)
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