Dagger

You lent in, so close, I could smell your knocked off Coco Chanel. I like it anyway. It will always remind me of the beginning of our end though!

“Where did you stay lastnight”? you asked me. My mind went straight to vic vapor rub, ecstacy and gloves. My heart was racing, sweat trickling down my back. I could follow the feel of it. It excited me all over again. “Em eh”, I said. “you fucking bastard, you really are a low life” you said. In my mind while you shredded every characteristic of my tortured embedded inferiority all I thought was “you won’t do that shit with me, WHY?”.

What was I to do? Tell her it started out as a game of twister. Left hand on green, right leg yellow. If your in a fuckable position……then you fuck and you fuck hard. Right leg blue, right hand red. Suck my Dick. NAKED TWISTER, that’s what I called it. Orgy. That’s what it was. Unadulterated filth.

I started coming home later and later, days later. Sicker and Sicker. No appitite. No appitite for you. No appitite to fix us. Knowing I was hurting you but powerless or unwilling to do anything. Today I know it was the latter, I couldn’t stop!

It was a place where I wasn’t ridiculed, put down, no ties or restrictions. Everyone in it for the same release. Sex, drugs and anything goes. I never minded three girls and me but two girls and another guy? I had issues. Sorry guys. I had issues. Why a dangling hair strewn, vein riddled, ball carrier excited women I don’t know. I reckon selfishness is why I never asked. What if I pondered the question aloud? And in sighted an all out ban on my cock. Woah! I shudder.

“You were always the one”, I said. SLAP SLAP. “You know I like that, but you only always do it just annoy me”, I said. SLAP SLAP SLAP KICK KICK SLAP KICK SLAP, all deployed with no measure of pleasure. I covered my face with my hands and as I let you beat and kick me, a weird sense of detachment occurred. I found myself having straight crystal clear thoughts….

“Look what your doing to her, torturing her, driving a very beautiful, intelligent, outgoing, vibrant, articulate, strong lady to the brink of insanity. It’s bad enough your a crazy bastard, a heartless one at that. Your only still coming back because she’ll always try to make it better, again and again and motherfucking again. She’ll fight your corner when everyone’s crossing the street shouting “JUNKIE”.

You forget you fucking edgit, she knows who you really are. She knows your soul. She held you when you first spoke about your abuse. She is the first person who truly believed. She has been abused herself. Oh my God. What am I doing? Jesus christ! I’ve prayed all my life for someone like you. You who nurtured me when I crumbled. You who put your life on hold, just make sure I was hanging in there. You who took flack from people who loved you. You whose friends walked away from you because of me…

I’m sorry! Jesus christ!

I fall to the floor wailing like a baby. The truth stabbs like a dagger…