What is there to be afraid of?
I am fearful of writing for readers because of the intimidation of being misunderstood. I am afraid of that in more ways then writing, but it has just been abundantly obvious in this situation. A little fear is always good with an experience because it means there is something uncertain that a person is about to discover so this fear is natural and overall beneficial. However, when this fear snowballs into stopping me, or anyone, from doing something for their self (harmless to one’s self and others) then it becomes a destructive tool that serves no beneficial purpose. This little fear of mine stems from the most ominous distractor of them all: the fear of not being good enough.
I do not know what not being good enough looks like since there is no universal definition for this phrase, but for some reason it drives me. An unknown force driving me that I do not understand. It came out in small aspects of my life like school or sports, and is prevalent in the bigger parts like relationships with friends and family or deciding whether or not it is worth chasing a life I value. I would not put in as much effort as I should because that was the best excuse. I would think, “well, I didn’t even try my hardest so it doesn’t matter because I could do it if I wanted to.” All this was to just inflate an ego that was built in theory instead of reality because there was nothing to back these claims but the claims kept getting bigger anyway.
I am using passive verbs to explain this even though a lot of these things I still battle. I have come to understand that the hollow arrogance I was building up could be erased just as fast as it was created, and that was a hard realization because I could not understand why I was so fragile functioning on extremes of being the greatest thing in the world with prophet like purpose or being just a meaningless speck with zero worth. Luckily, as this version of myself continued to get knocked down I started to find humility, which created more belief in myself then I ever knew possible. As I grew more humble I stripped away all my fake versions of who I assumed to be, and a true confidence started to form because I just had to believe in one person instead of navigating constantly to find the person other people liked more. I continue to find lingering arrogances that do nothing but hold my journey back and feed the fire of fear. Every time that I would feel my true confidence growing I would think that this fear of never being enough would be gone from any thought I could ever have, but it seemed that it was getting stronger as I was getting stronger. I am realizing that the reason this was happening is because the more I became confident in myself, the more I was beating to my own drum and creating my own world so I didn’t and sometimes don’t see my worth in everyday society. I was not sure how I would fit into a world that does not seem to value the same things I do or a world so quickly to tell people how to live that it makes it too easy for people to choose a life of not discovering things out for themselves. I bring up societal norms and the role of popular society quite often, and I really hate being that guy that is sounding critical of those topics a lot,
but a lot of the things society defines as “normal” or “good enough” are reasons that I believe I have been terrified of not being good enough. I have never “fit in” to the majority standards and that wasn’t on purpose. The more I tried, the more I fit out. Letting myself find power and strength within myself has brought more confidence then I ever thought possible, but it still comes with the insecurity. I am creating my own drum to beat on, and not because I want to be different and think it serves as some prophet sized purpose, but only because I want to discover things for myself and live the way I want to live. My moral of this story is to not let the fear of not being good enough drive your life if that is something you battle because you define what is good enough, not anyone else. Not your parents, teachers, family members, friends, elders, celebrities, or every other group that could influence you. No one knows you better than you, but if you are telling yourself lies you do not even know you. Now some people close to you may see who you are more than you do, and those are the people to listen to and talk with so you gauge this for yourself, but you have to create your own drum. It is ok to be afraid, but it is not ok to be so scared you do not try to discover for yourself.