TED CRUZ IS AN ALIEN, Part I
One of two Ted Cruz-related minisodes I wrote on Facebook and decided to publish on Medium so I at least have something on Medium. First, read this weird-ass story linked below:
They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, but the way to Ted Cruz's heart is through a can of soup. His…theweek.com
Now, read this:
INT. GROCERY STORE — DAY
TED CRUZ, dressed in “casual” clothes that look like they were just bought or never worn before, stands in front of the enormous selection of canned soup in the canned soup aisle. His eyes wander to and fro: cans stacked on the shelves, cans loaded into those weird Pez-dispenser type machines, cans everywhere. Finally his eyes settle on: Campbell’s Chunky Soup. He does that weird little wince-smile thing that he does. Grabs one can, places it in his completely empty cart. Then another. Then another. Then another.
CROSSFADE into his cart full of cans and the shelf devoid of Campbell’s Chunky Soup. TED CRUZ looks at the hole where Campbell’s Chunky Soup used to be, his head cocked slightly at an angle.
A GROCER walks by. TED CRUZ clears his throat.
TED CRUZ pulls a can from his cart.
Do you have any more of this…
(he puts the can close to his face, reading the label)
… Camp Bell’s Chunk Soop?
The GROCER narrows his eyes.
I require it for sustenance.
The GROCER takes a step back, glances around him to verify that he is alone.
Let … me check … in the back, okay?
TED CRUZ wince-smiles again.
(quietly, to self, as he pets the can)
The human wife is going to enjoy all of this chunk soop.
The GROCER backs away quickly.