TED CRUZ IS AN ALIEN, Part II

Two of two Ted Cruz-related minisodes I wrote on Facebook in response to his weirdness. First, watch this:

INT. CAMPAIGN CAR — DAY

TED CRUZ climbs into the back seat of the car. He looks pleased, but like how a mannequin from the 80s looks pleased. His AIDE gets into the opposite seat. TED CRUZ stares out the window silently for a moment, his face completely blank, save for that weird wince-smile he always has. The car begins leaving the rally.

AIDE
(clears his throat)
Mr. Cruz.

TED CRUZ
Yes, Jack.

AIDE
Today, at the rally, ah … did you say … basketball “ring”?

TED CRUZ
I’m sorry?

AIDE
At the rally. You pointed at a basketball hoop, but you called it a “ring”.

TED CRUZ
(pause)
Did I?

AIDE
Yes.

TED CRUZ coughs lightly, undoes his tie a little.

TED CRUZ
Well, Jack, in the moment, you know, sometimes you get words mixed up.

AIDE
Sure.

TED CRUZ
I — I knew, a hoop, yes, I knew that. A basketball hoop.

AIDE
Right.

TED CRUZ
A hoop. Hoop.
(he mouths the word silently a couple of times)
Hoop. That’s a funny word. Hoop. Hoop. Hewp. Huh. How many times do you hear the word “hoop,” Jack? In your life.

AIDE
Not often.

TED CRUZ
Not often, yes. I’d say I barely hear it. So it could easily slip the mind.

AIDE
I guess.
(beat; nervously)
But, I mean, the term “basketball hoop,” it’s basically one word at this point. “Basketball hoop.” To describe that specific object, I mean, nobody, nobody calls it a “ring.” Nobody follow “basketball” with “ring,” you kn — I’ve never — I mean, I played ball in high school, college, nobody, I can’t think of a single person —

TED CRUZ
(abruptly, loudly)
Beautiful day out, isn’t it?

Beat. The AIDE shrinks back a bit.

AIDE
Yes, sir. Beautiful.

The car drives on. TED CRUZ continues staring out the window and mouthing, “hoop,” “hoop,” “hoop.”