To spoil or not to spoil?

Growing up as a kid in a family of 4 siblings, I remember my mother used to tell us that life was tough. Making ends meet was the only agenda, for my parents. Some of the vivid memories, which my siblings and peers born in the 70s and 80s can probably relate to are:

a. When I was 8, shopping for a new shirt for Chinese New Year, mom used to buy me a shirt meant for 14 year olds, so it would lasts me for few more years after that. I ended up looking like a scarecrow during the open house.

b. My parents hardly bring me out to the malls. I suspect that it was necessary to manage my expectations, to prevent me from asking for toys and other pretty things I would see and ultimately pop the golden question — ‘can I have that toy car too?’

c. As far as I can recall, I only had 1 birthday party where I get to invite my friends over to my house, when I was 11. Although I understood my family’s financial situation at that time, I was grateful to have received some gifts from few of my classmates who was gracious to make me happy for a day, I really wished that I could have had friends to celebrate my birthday just once a year. I felt that my parents did not really care about these ‘western’ culture.

Now, before my siblings and friends call me an ungrateful brat, I wish to say that it was all necessary for me to go through to appreciate the ‘growing pains’ to grow up as a person. To that, I thank my parents.

Now that I have a family of my own, 2 healthy and active toddlers, my past experiences growing up plays such great influence in my decisions. I also have my fair share of own belief to raise the children MY WAY. It takes a fair amount of patience, understanding and hopefully maturity to strike a balance between realising how I was conditioned to think and what I aspire to be — a good parent.

This Christmas, I’d spend a little more time thinking about the spirit of giving. So, I’ve crafted my thoughts around the subject of giving to my children with this belief:

1. I believe that as a provider of my family, I have the right to judge what I believe is reasonable OR extravagant for my children, considering the right timing, resource availability and the moral values derived from the gifts to the kids.

1. In the beginning, my wife and I will spoil the kids with gifts, to show them that we will give nothing but the best for them, that we would be respected as ‘the provider‘ in the family. In other words, to teach recognition and to obtain authority in the family.
2. When the kids begin to ask for more, I will slowly educate them about the value of money, that this is why you don’t see your father at home from 9 to 5 sometimes. Eventually, we will give, after a few days.
3. Ok, now is the time when they are SPOILT, as labelled by our family and close friends. They kept asking for more! So, how do you cope with it? I truly believe this is not the end. This is the time when you have to confess to your kids that you have no more money to get them those toys they see in the malls. Show them an empty wallet if you have to. I have done that several times, and also endured few days of the look of disappointment in my son’s eyes. Now, that’s a real problem, to my son, at least. Now, he understands what’s it like to feel poor.
4. After a few days, I then propose a solution to his major problem. “Son, if you really want that toy, you’d have to work for it” My wife and I will then create micro tasks for my son to be completed before we get him that toy, he wanted so badly about a week ago. Of course, with his determination, we bought him that gift. He is now introduced to the sense of achievement.
5. He kept wanting more, so we made the tasks more challenging. At one point, he gave up. So, I brought him to work sometimes, so he could see that my team and I worked really hard, sometimes in front of the computers, sometimes when we were in an intense brainstorming session, just to introduce him to the concept of ‘work‘. You can do too when your kid asks you why are the construction crews work under the hot sun/the rain? That makes it very literal and easy for them children to understand the meaning of work.
6. To our surprise, one day, my son just asked me if he could follow me to work when I was leaving to the office. I asked him ‘why?’. He simply replied, so I can help you and earn some money too. I think I may have just introduced him to the concept of ‘hard work‘!

At this point in time, I believe that my son will work for what he wants in life. He is only 3 years and 9 months old. The future seems bright for him.

I have also purposely bought many gifts for his friends, and I would watch how his expression transform from sulking, to realising that he is so blessed with toys and eventually to request for a Christmas gift to his good friend. Kids are marvellous beings. They are highly receptive even towards the stuff we didn’t teach. They observe, and they follow — which appears to be scary, but highly encouraging if you, as a parent meant well for your children.

As for me, I would like my kids to have the liberty to be kind and selfless with some priorities in mind. When they grow up, they will be asking the important questions such as:

1. What do people do when they have no money?
2. What happens to the world if everyone starts giving?
3. What can I do to make a difference to improve humanity?

After all, I truly believe that it is more blessed to give than to receive. I want my kids to be able to grow up as a kind, loving, discipline and determined leader in the coming years.

My guess is that my son will not be competitive in the playground NOW. My son gets bullied by other more aggressive children, over toys sometimes — my heart sank, but kept reminding myself not to intervene in my children’s affair. Hence, I always remind myself that he will grow up to be someone greater. Someone kind, at least.

This Christmas, I am officially in bigger debt for swiping my credit cards for fancy gifts for my loved ones, to remind myself that I will make more money in near future, to spread the spirit of giving amongst my family and friends and to express my gratitude to my loved ones by getting the right present. More importantly, my children will inherit the spirit of giving and I hope you or your children will be the beneficiaries of our labour of love, one fine day.

Have a Merry Christmas, everyone.

Be present,

Josh & Family