Day old bagels and mix CD’s
An excerpt of an experiment I’m working on.
It was the night before the wake. I felt so suffocated by how quiet it was outside. I felt like I needed to cry by myself. I had a sharp pain in my head and jaw from clenching all day trying to hold everything back. No one knew what I was thinking. I was told the day before I was going to Raleigh to visit for the first time. I was a catalyst for everything that led to my current state of existing.
There were a lot of things I could remember about you. Maybe how you were the first person who had MySpace, or maybe you were the first person to wear a hoodie with a blazer, in all your scene emo glory. . I don’t get how you could be so quiet but be such an iceberg of adventure and ideas. Like on my 16th birthday breaking into the bus garage and hot boxing a school bus. Or time we decided to throw a party in a free masons temple. Or something simple like taking the left over bagels from Panera out of the dumpster when we were broke.
The best story I ever have is about you. It was a scene out of a shitty B rated teen comedy. You made the best party drink. A combination of Milwaukee’s Best and Jack Daniels. The direct end result of this was you were making out with a girl and vomited in her mouth. I remember watching this and having the same look of bliss and satisfaction as watching someone getting slimmed on various Nickelodeon game shows. But even though there was the most nauseating exchange of bottley functions, the girl whipped her mouth and kept kissing you. That personifies how people felt about you. You could do no wrong. It was absolutely frustrating and hilarious to watch you win over people on a daily basis.
As people moved away to college, and moved on with life I came back home, packed with failure and frustration. And also no regard for my life. I was so wrapped up in my own problems you had until one night. I was driving you home when night from a party where you were making a scene. By light of the CD player in my car I kept my eye on you as we drove down Route Nine so I wouldn’t get pulled over for being way too stoned. We were listening to “Dramamine” by Modest Mouse. The deep hue of blue from my dashboard and the over melancholy feeling of the song set the stage for me to witness what always upset you. You started crying about how you lost your mom to Alzheimer’s when you were only seven. What stuck with me was watching someone who has always been there to help you through your shit go through something that you could not comprehend dealing with what they had to face at such a young age. And how the person you love the most just existed around you with no recollection. . It was incomparable. It was something I couldn’t relate to at all.
From then on I couldn’t listen to that song. That moment will always be connected to that song. As many songs can be connected to a certain moment in ones life. And for a while I was mad. I was mad that my memory of you was connected to the song. But then I realized why everyone loved you. It was because you wanted to make everyone else happy even though you were struggling demons far worse than the people you loved were. You were truly selfless
I’m not a hippy that believes crystals can heal or that reptilians are running the planet. I’m a pretty logical person. But I do think the universe pushes you in certain directions, maybe not at the exact time you want but the time you are ready to be pushed. Matt passing was one of the reasons why I left the place I was. Sometimes its okay to lead with emotion and not logic. Leading with emotion pushes you into unknown parts of your life. And that’s what makes life exciting. Looking back I can see Matt always did that. What he did wasn’t always right but he lived-by emotion. And without saying anything he showed me how to do that every day. I miss him every day. it comes in waves when I least expect it. Like waves on the shores. But those waves are now becoming familiar and inviting.