Dementia — Forget me not
Dedicated with all my love to Ian and Patricia Isgrove
One of my earliest and indeed favourite childhood memories is clambering into my Grandparents’ bed, playing snap, and hearing the booming laugh of my grandfather, himself at heart, as my Mum often remarks, a big kid. Around the age of 8 or 9, it had become apparent that my Grandfather was becoming more and more forgetful, as a child I don’t suppose I grasped the magnitude of what was occurring. Viewing his forgetfulness more as an endearing foi-ball of old age, I would dutifully repeat my answers to the questions asked repeatedly.
When he passed away in 2013 from a fall, largely resulting from Vascular Dementia symptoms, I remember feeling more potently aware of the nature of the beast. My Grandmother, who cared for and loved my Grandfather with a saintlike combination of kindness and patience, herself began a slow yet familiar descent into forgetfulness. Around 14 or 15 now, it was possible for me to truly conceptualise the gravity of dementia, the slow withdrawal of the self, the distortion of the present, and the stealing of the past. My Grandmother is still alive, currently being cared for in a care home, she does not remember me nor my Mum, indeed it is impossible to know whether she knows herself.
Dementia effects an estimated 944,000 people in the UK, to put that number into some perspective, enough people to fill Wembley Stadium over 10 times and more than the entire population of Liverpool. With an aging population, social care crisis and shortage of care staff due to the undue influence of populist and nationalistic ideologues, this is a crisis due to worsen. Dementia is now the leading cause of death in the United Kingdom, accounting for 11.3% of all deaths in 2022. As well publicised, there is currently no cure.
Beside these sombre facts, exposure to dementia through a loved one, as anyone who has a similar experience can attest, paints a revealing picture of what humanity truly values and needs. Departing from Descartes’ “I think, therefore I am”, the experience of a loved one with dementia is more comparable to “I forget, therefore who am I?”. What dementia reveals, in my mind, is the fragility and beauty of memories, the delicate manner in which memories position us within the world and within ourselves.
What are we without our memories? The finite nature of life, the fleeting explosion of joy, sadness, laughter, and pain all culminate to mould us into who we truly are; we feel, we think, we remember and so we are. Too often in life we take for granted what we have, this is no criticism, it is an inevitable and important part of being human, but what dementia reminds me, is that there exists an inherent beauty in the ability to remember the past, to experience the present and perceive of a future.
Our memories and experiences, good or bad, situate us within our worlds, without them we are lost. As this country approaches a general election, I hope that this country does not forget its own experiences of a Government which has driven public services, like social care, into the ground at the expense of the most vulnerable in society. I hope that this country remembers it is our diversity in culture and creed that is our greatest strength, that we value the immigrants who care for the vulnerable, the sick and the elderly, who bring kindness and vibrance to this island. I hope that those who profiteer off division are reminded that we are a country who can only prosper when united.
My Grandmother spent Christmas day with my Uncle in her Care Home in Scotland, I spoke briefly, too briefly truth be told, to her on Facetime, it was evident she did not know who I was. I am relieved, not that she does not remember me, but that she is now at a stage where she has forgotten that she is forgetting. Gone are the moments of frustration, angst, and embarrassment all too common to those exposed to dementia. I think my Grandmother is more at peace now, in her own world, and whilst it is for us all I am sure, an incomprehensible world, there is safety in serenity, gentleness in calm and at long last a silver lining to forgetfulness.
