Cranberrogance, Rewining, and Stuffobia: The New Glossary of Thanksgiving

From avoiding the food allergies of guests to perfecting your wine pairings, Thanksgiving has become complicated. Here’s the vocabulary we need now to navigate contemporary celebrations of this classic holiday feast.

CLEANSEGIVING

A gluttonous Thanksgiving meal preceded by a period of anticipatory fasting.

CRANBERROGANCE

A haughty preference for homemade cranberry sauce over canned.

DRYGONIZE

To worry that your turkey will turn out parched.

FOWLATERAL DAMAGE

The (potentially salmonella-laden) spray of turkey bacteria in the kitchen sink area caused by rinsing a turkey.

FREEBIRDING

The act of sourcing naturally-raised, free-range, organic, heirloom turkeys. See also: BALLERS: Those perfectly content with a Butterball turkey.

FRYDADDIES

Male cooks with a predilection for deep-frying their turkeys.

GASTRODRAFTING

At a buffet dinner, the technique of queuing up behind fast-moving guests and avoiding slowpokes. Sorry, Gramps.

MENSGIVING

A friendsgiving for dudes. Give thanks, brah.

PAIRNIC ATTACK

A feeling of acute anxiety over which wines best pair with turkey and sweet potatoes.

PARTISANS

Cooks who insist on cooking the turkey in parts in order to ensure even cooking of dark and white meat. Antonym. INTACTIVISTS: Traditionalists who prefer their turkeys served whole.

REWINING

Dusting off and serving wines gifted at last year’s Thanksgiving.

SAFEGIVING

A Thanksgiving meal devoid of all dairy, meat, gluten, nuts, and fun.

STRING THEORY

The belief system or ideology that supports trussing.

STUFFOBIA

The fear of undercooked stuffing and the possibility of contracting food poisoning.

TRYPTOTHANNING

Riding the post-Thanksgiving buzz caused by ingesting the tryptophan in turkey meat.

YAMSTITUTION

Incorrectly using sweet potatoes in recipes that require yams.