Coming out as depressed

May is #mentalhealthawareness month, and because I have gained so much from hearing the stories of others, (especially people of color) who have shared their experiences with mental illness, therapy, and depression, I’ve decided to share my own. Writing this piece was cathartic and helped in my healing process; I hope it helps others to know that they are not alone. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others. Love is what matters above all else. ❤

I turned 31 this year and, as I reflect, I am grateful for all of the amazing things that happened in 2017: I got married to an amazing man who I love deeply, we bought a home together, and I navigated a career change from tech into the social impact sector.

While all of these incredible things were taking place it also was a tough year for a lot of reasons. Trump was elected into office, Puerto Rico, where my family is from, was hit with one of the worst natural disasters in recent American history, and for the first time in my life, I started experiencing debilitating anxiety and depression in ways that I could not ignore.

Coming out (again)

For a long time, I couldn’t even say out loud that I was depressed. I realized that I was trying to hide a part of me, not only from the world but also from myself. It was exhausting.

I’ve come to learn that my depressive states can be fueled and further sustained by feelings of guilt about even being depressed. It’s super meta and illogical, but that’s how the disease works and what makes it so tough to conquer. In my mind, my life was too good for me to be depressed. I had overcome so much without ever succumbing to depression; why then would I be susceptible now? I felt an extreme cognitive dissonance between the vibrant, energetic, confident and extroverted person I identified with throughout my adult life and the defeated, self-doubting, fearful self that had taken over my day-to-day. This version of me seemed like a betrayal to myself and everyone who knew me. I worked hard to suppress this new identity as much as I could because it was one that made me feel ashamed.

After some time, I realized that these feelings of duality and suppression felt familiar. Throughout my teen years and early twenties, I was ashamed to fully accept who I was in terms of my fluid sexuality. I felt it was somehow better or easier to hide my true self in order to navigate the world. In overcoming my own shame and guilt about my sexual preferences, I was able to free myself of societal stigmas that held power over me and I realized a freeing authenticity when I began to live my truth.

As a queer person of color, who has become extremely comfortable with my sexuality and identity at this stage of my life, I never thought I would have to come out again.

And yet, in a way I am doing just that, coming out as someone who has a mental illness. I am once again learning to be more empowered by accepting and loving myself fully, even the scary, dark, and sad parts.

Asking for help

I’ve struggled with asking for help my entire life. It might be the stubborn Taurus in me, but I have always been fiercely independent and persevered on my own, despite many obstacles. Since I was successful in so many ways, I built a narrative and romanticized the idea of being a strong loner. In reality, so much of my success is due to the support of my community and network; friends, family, mentors, and coaches who all believed in me and helped propel me upward and onward.

It took having an emotional breakdown last October to get to a place where I felt like I could share how I was feeling with my partner. In that moment of vulnerability, I was able to ask for his help in finding a therapist and navigating the complicated web of insurance to quell my anxiety around the cost of treatment. I also started socializing how I was feeling with some close friends who I knew were in therapy, and they became a strong support system. Even now, this group continues to help lift me up on days when I dip low.

Realizing I was not alone and simply asking for help made my struggles much easier to bear.

The continual process of healing

My first few sessions with a therapist helped me to realize that I had a lifetime of issues and traumas I had never faced, much less worked through, and they were all coming up in different ways. I’ve shifted from a place of guilt and defeat to one of hope and gratitude and I am now on a journey of active and continuous healing.

I am creating my own personal definition of happiness and accepting this new version of myself. I work hard to accept each day as it comes and hold onto each moment of joy to build more sustained happiness. I’ve also done work to remove a lot of the self-imposed pressure I was putting on myself to “succeed” or to have a certain status in life. I used to think this pressure fueled my ambition, but in reality, it was creating a lot of stress in my life.

In many ways throughout my life, I have always been exploring and creating what joy and happiness meant to me, but now I’ve added a new layer of mindful awareness and urgency to my introspection. A mix of diet, exercise, meditation, and therapy help me to maintain a positive state of mind and to feel grounded as I lean toward sunshine. I feel good on most days, and I am excited by a lot, but it still is easy to be overwhelmed by negativity or crushed by anxiety. I am learning to sit with negative emotions, to observe and accept them rather than trying to dismiss them. Integrating this practice into my life continues to be a scary part of my day-to-day, but I also am finding power in facing and dealing with my trauma instead of self-medicating or living in denial.

I am extremely grateful to be in a stable place in my life where I can work through my trauma and feel supported by everyone around me as I commit to prioritizing my mental health.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and the shared struggles of so many as I’ve begun to explore mental illness and treatments. I am appreciative of all of the humbling lessons that continue to remind me of my humanity. I hope that others can benefit from my experience and I encourage you to reach out if you are ever feeling alone because you are never alone and we are stronger together. ❤