10 Observations on the Caricature of a Generation

‘‘ Are you a star of Twitter, Instagram, YouTube or Vine?’’

Have you mastered the art of compressing some small fragment of yourself into a bite sized easily digestible appetizer of digital content? Is your first thought directly following a meal, a concert, your morning shit, or a Saturday Night with nothing better to do “I need to post this, I need to make a video, or how do I turn this moment, not that moment, the one a second….dammit into a clever one liner?” Then this ones for you

10 The Moment You wake up always remember to take a selfie.

I know.. I know… its taxing to have to smize before ten a.m. but thems the brakes if you want those extra twenty likes before noon. And your lips always look better first thing in the morning than they do at any other time. Never use the preset filters Insta provides, that shit is for amateurs and middle aged celebrities desperately clinging to whatever relevancy they still have( I won’t name names because I’m a classy Southern Bitch but…. still)

9 Always remember the company you keep

Now DSCs(Dudes Still in the Closet) listen very carefully you should be aware as your level of notoriety grows so does the level of crazy obsessive emotionally dependent foaming at the mouth fans. Now you could always find a nice girlfriend. Some C-list actress or model. Second string pop-starlets work great as well but aren’t always reliable and if not properly compensated could result in a string of singles and or some vague illusion that the arrangement could eventually turn into a real relationship and that’s just poor sportsmanship. And never forget FAME is an Olympic level sport filled with its own set of tears, sweat, and other various and sundry bodily fluids. Don’t Judge! Shit happens sometimes quite literally depending on the constitution of last nights trick.

8 You aren’t a Person You are a Brand Never Forget This

I know that there is temptation to sometimes break character. Especially when you see a cute top from H&M but you have sponsorships from J.Crew, American Apparel and such but please keep in mind that this is for the greater good. Your greater good. If people start seeing you as a person with actual feelings and flaws it will crack the delicate religion they have slowly but surely built around you, leading to chaos and the eventual realization that you are just like them. All light will fade from the world, a shudder will ripple through the universe and you might actually have to start figuring how to act like a sensible respectable creature. Tsk Tsk

7 Love, Family, and Friends are only valuable if they are marketable

I know this may seem like a continuation on a theme but I feel the need to expand on a point.

If your family, or your circle of friends in ANY way have minds of their own you must be quick and decisive. Explain how thoroughly their happiness is dependent on you and your financial well being. If your parents seem remiss to follow suite simply promise to pay off all of their debt, or just buy them a house.I know this seems harsh but really, it’s not your fault if they don’t understand how this works. They are people, they don’t understand you outrank them.

6 Identity is Key

Do you know who you are? Well you should! If you haven’t figured it out already you can no longer just “be yourself” whatever the fuck that even means. You MUST be descriptive. If you don’t already have a community picked. It’s really easy ,just wander over to Tumblr in your spare time and pick a few at random. Authenticity is a word people use when they want to work dead end jobs, like being a physicist, or a Philanthropist. What is a Philanthropist anyway? Is that the person who makes all of the awesome Fresh Prince of Bel Air memes………. It’s a lot like going into your favourite semi ironic vintage clothing store you try on a few things here and there until you find that special something that practically leaps out at you and screams “INSTAGRAM FRONT PAGE”

5 Why go to college when you will only ever need to speak one language

EMOJI

4 Be a Goldfish

Whether its fashion, music, or Tech; trends are fleeting. And they last about as long as a Goldfishes memory. It doesn’t matter if every new band sounds exactly like the one before it. Get creative, find an angle. It’s not like you actually care to begin with, it’s a mutual relationship of ass kissing …so pucker up.

3 Like Milk, Eggs, and most Meats you have an Expiration date

It’s called 35

2 When you do something mildly regrettable don’t half ass it.

Don’t be afraid ,when the mood strikes you to be truly …..edgy……..

And fear not its ok, you have to take into account these people WORSHIP you. It really won’t require much effort to assuage(google it) any doubts that they may have. I mean what else are they really doing with their lives? Obviously nothing of importance or else you’d have already heard about it.

1 YOU’VE MADE IT THIS FAR …….KUDOS!!

Now take a deep breath……let it out. Look down at what notes you’ve been taking and realize that every single word I’ve said up until now is a giant steaming pile of shit. Though most of the notes I just gave are actually accurate to a point and helpful in their own way, I beg that you not use them because that would just make you a horrible person. Instead,do yourself a favor, get off of your iPad , turn off your phone and read a damn book, go be social in a real life way, or something to that effect. You are more than a persona