I should be sleeping

Joshua Ardon
Sep 9, 2018 · 2 min read

An insomnia produced stream of thought

I should be sleeping. I should just shut my eyes for a few hours and try to let all the demons rest for a bit. I should be sleeping, but I can’t because I’m too worried about how I’m going to keep the lights on past Monday. I should be sleeping, but I can’t, too concerned with if I should finish the food stamp application even though somehow, I’ve found a way to avoid it for years. I should be sleeping, but I can’t, because the twenty job applications I’ve sent out have led to nothing. I should be sleeping, I should try and give my brain a break from the constant gnawing fear of if there’s going to be enough money to get at least one of her four heart medications. I should be sleeping, but I can’t because I worry if she’s going to have insurance to cover the mounting bills and debt. If there’ll be enough for groceries next week. If I can even get her to eat more than crackers and popcorn. I should be sleeping, but I can’t because I wonder If she’ll survive the surgery she’s going to eventually need. I should be sleeping, I should have faith, believe that somehow, we’ll find a way to make it through because we’ve been through a smaller version of this before. I should be sleeping, because I know that there are millions of people in similar or worse circumstances. I should be sleeping, but I can’t, because I still remember when she collapsed in my arms from internal blood loss in February for the second time. That the doctors almost didn’t catch the sepsis or the infection that had reached her heart (Endocarditis)in time to fix it. Or how walking a straight line and eating an actual meal are what I classify as her “good days”. I should be sleeping, I should do the proper southern thing and shove the worry and stress so far down even the light can’t reach it. I shouldn’t complain, I should pretend everything is the same as it was. That she’s the same as she was. That I can’t see the fighter she has always been slowly receding from view. I should be sleeping, but I can’t because I worry about her blood pressure being far too low for the seventh time this week. I should be sleeping, but I can’t because all I hear are the chorus of voices from random bill collectors calling for their money . I should be sleeping, but I can’t because there are a thousand and one other worries and concerns playing on a rotating carousel in colors too vivid and bright for me to focus on singularly. I should be sleeping, but I can’t……because I’m tired.

Joshua Ardon

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Person, Photographer, Occasionally Wordy