What Your Favorite Album of 2018 Says About You

The sequel to last year’s list, now twice as long for the year that felt twice as long.

Shawn Mendes — Shawn Mendes
You used to be a “Nice Guy,” but then learned to be more vulnerable and honest with your feelings, and you actually became a nice guy. It’s a good look.

Charlie Puth — Voicenotes
You used to be a nice guy, but then had your heart broken one (1) time and became an asshole. It’s a good look.

Ariana Grande — Sweetener
You always dominate any conversation about pop music. It could be argued that you wouldn’t let ANYBODY speak and instead -

Cardi B — Invasion of Privacy
You blasted “Gasolina” from your car stereo for years until it was supplanted by “Despacito.” You have a grudge against Drake from stealing the Song of The Summer away from “I Like It.”

Kacey Musgraves — Golden Hour
can I get a Yee Haw! you’re thrilled your fave is getting all the raves, because she darn well deserves it!!! if you don’t like this record get off your high horse, you space cowboy 🤠🤠🤠

Mitski — Be the Cowboy
You aspire to be as fierce as “Geyser” Mitski but irl are closer to “Nobody” Mitski. More like yee-aw 😥

Janelle Monae — Dirty Computer
Everyone’s faves are Problematic or Cancelled, but you’ve just been sitting there like 🐸 ☕️

Greta Van Fleet — Anthem of the Peaceful Army
You clicked away when you saw the emojis, because you hate emojis, and also music made after 1980.

Sidney Gish — No Dogs Allowed
Your main Instagram is meticulously crafted, even ‘candid’ pictures composed for maximum aesthetic value. Your private account consists exclusively of caps lock walls of text, paired with dramatic closeups of your face.

Christine & The Queens — Chris
A third of your wardrobe is muscle tees.

U.S. Girls — In A Poem Unlimited
A third of your wardrobe is chokers.

Robyn — Honey
A third of your wardrobe is neon and occasionally tear-stained.

Snail Mail — Lush
The only person that really understands you is Savannah, the 20 year-old cashier at your local Trader Joe’s.

Migos — Culture II
You’ve listened nonstop since its release, so like twice

Quavo — Quavo Huncho
You prefer eating peanut butter out of a jar instead of consuming it with jelly and bread.

Travis Scott — Astroworld
You bought that blank white Kanye t-shirt from a couple of years back, but pull it off really well.

Pusha T — Daytona
You consider Kanye’s Wyoming Sessions a success because the beat drop in “If You Know You Know” alone is more powerful than any dumb thing its producer could say.

Kanye West — Ye
You consider the Wyoming Sessions a success because all the albums managed to actually come out.

Kids See Ghosts — Kids See Ghosts
You consider the Wyoming Sessions a success because hmmmmmm mmmmmmmhhhh

Nas — Nasir
You consider the Wyoming Sessions a success because Nas made a comeback, but you‘re confused why measles did as well.

Teyana Taylor — K.T.S.E.
You’re often considered “one of the guys,” and you’re often unfairly overshadowed by your louder, more obnoxious male peers. Despite this, you consider the Wyoming Sessions a success.

Drake — Scorpion
You are HIDING a CHILD

The 1975 — A Brief Inquiry Into Online Relationships
You have screenshotted an especially inscrutable passage from the original German text of The Culture Industry: Enlightenment As Mass Deception, translated it yourself, then posted it to Instagram with the caption “mood.”

Tracey Thorn — Record
You are recognized among your peers for being super classy, for either being a mom friend or an actual mom. You’ve also been screaming internally since November 2016.

Camp Cope — How To Socialize and Make Friends
You’ve been screaming internally and externally since like around puberty.

Neko Case — Hell On
You’ve been screaming internally since you were given a corporeal form, but have learned how to harness that energy in meaningful ways… definitely still screaming though.

Death Grips — Year of the Snitch
You have killed someone by accident. At least, you were legally advised to say it was by accident.

Lucy Dacus — Historian
You definitely lost your voice screaming along to “Night Shift.” You have definitely compared her voice to a warm, fuzzy blanket, because it is that.

Iceage — Beyondless
When you think of the terms “warm” and “fuzzy” you think of guitar tones before you think of blankets.

Beach House — 7
You have called someone “warm” and “fuzzy” by accident.

Daughters — You Won’t Get What You Want
Your basement is overflowing with dead bodies. The authorities have been notified, but they, too, are afraid.

Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper — A Star is Born OST
You wish pop music was on The Charts more nowadays. When Jackson Maine thought it was time to let the old ways die, you’re not sure he meant “make the new ways misogynistic SoundCloud rap.”

Sheck Wes — Mudboy
You say that not all SoundCloud rap is like that, then press play to Wes yelling “BITCH!” on every other song.

The Carters — Everything Is Love
You are Jay-Z.

Bebe Rexha— Expectations
You swear pop music won’t go gently into the night, but then you find yourself shrinking and transforming into a corncob.

Hayley Kiyoko — Expectations
You swear pop music won’t go gently into the night, but then you find yourself shrinking and transforming into a corncob. A lesbian corncob.

Troye Sivan — Bloom
Despite the themes of the title track, you insist that you’re not a bottom, you’re versatile, then also insist to your confused, token straight friend that your music is versatile. You then wink to an invisible camera.

Let’s Eat Grandma — I’m All Ears
You are one of the few people who won’t be embarrassed by their high school Tumblr in 10 years.

SOPHIE — Oil of Every Person’s Un-Insides
Your Tumblr is inaccessible to anyone under 21 years of age (EDIT: and will soon be deleted.) You’re generally courteous to all kinds of people, yet have a strange aversion to putting content warnings for strobe lights when sharing a video to a ContraPoints appreciation Facebook group.

Post Malone — Beerbongs & Bentleys
You haven’t played “Wonderwall” on your acoustic guitar, but you have played “Skinny Love” and “I Will Follow You Into The Dark.” You are a total dick, but get away with it under the guise that you’re a “sadboi” and you’re “complicated.”

Parquet Courts — Wide Awake
You are a surprisingly compassionate and intelligent frat bro.

Idles — Joy As An Act Of Resistance
You are a rowdy frat bro as a defense mechanism; you’ve gone through some shit.

Car Seat Headrest — Twin Fantasy (Face To Face)
You tried rushing for a fraternity once in 2011, but the hazing took a significant toll on your mental health, from which you still have not recovered.

Lil Wayne — Tha Carter V
You spontaneously combust when someone mentions the word “Birdman,” even when referring to the early Adult Swim series Harvey Birdman: Attorney At Law or the Oscar-winning 2014 film. Also when you hear a lighter flick.

Low — Double Negative
You spend most of your free time curled up in your bed, silently rocking back and forth over anxiety toward the future. But you probably did that at some point, regardless of your favorite album, tbh.

Hop Along — Bark Your Head Off, Dog
You’re somehow still spunky and positive in spite of how thoroughly soul-destroying the world has been lately. Whenever someone mentions you, any given conversation momentarily changes to gushing over how sweet you are. Keep doing you girl we need you ❤ ❤ ❤

Father John Misty — God’s Favorite Customer
People do, in fact, excuse you for having enormous flaws you don’t work on.

Pinegrove — Skylight
You’re generally a decent, well-spoken person, but mostly steer away from art-vs-artist debates for the sanity of all involved.

Xxxtentacion — ?
No one engages you in an art-vs-artist debate. It’s just… it’s too complicated.

Young Fathers — Cocoa Sugar
On Facebook, you usually write long, rambling political posts, but all the points you make are legitimately insightful. Sure, the posts are in all caps and frequently go on strange tangents, but it wouldn’t be you if it was easy to digest.

Noname — Room 25
In the GroupMe for your history class, you make other students stifle laughter from across the lecture hall — but no one else knows how funny you are because you speak really quietly in person.

Mumford and Sons — Delta
Your favorite Disney movie in the company’s 80-year catalog of animated motion pictures is Brother Bear. That’s it, that’s the joke.

Foxing — Nearer My God
You were known for being an ambitious, overeager kid, but every career path you wanted is declining in monetary and societal value. You wonder what the point of giving your all is if no one cares, even as you try your hardest because you don’t know how to do anything else. At least that guitar solo in “Lich Prince” rips.

Courtney Barnett — Tell Me How You Really Feel
You could be ambitious and overeager, but you just don’t really feel like it at the moment. You’re doing fine as is, as well as you believe you can, and that’s enough.

Kurt Vile — Bottle It In
You miss the dad-rock jokes from the first list, but you don’t mind. You don’t really mind, or feel, much of anything, and will randomly zone out into space for several minutes at a time, but it’s chill.

David Byrne — American Utopia
You may ask yourself, “hey aren’t these lists just horoscopes but with music?” and you may ask yourself, “Talking Heads have other songs besides ‘Once in a Lifetime,’ why is this warmed over parody happening?” And you may point out “Byrne is still making great music, even though there’s that one dumb song about dogs” and my response will be “I ain’t got time for that now!” as I jog across the stage in clothes too big for my body.

Panic At The Disco — Pray For The Wicked
Emo ain’t a scene, it’s a goddamn lifestyle.

Fall Out Boy — Mania
…Haven’t you people ever heard of closing the goddamn door on your emo phase?

Twenty One Pilots — Trench
You would never say it in middle school, but Rick Riordan > J.K. Rowling. (A pet cheetah named Jason Statham is totally the kind of thing Riordan would write into his books.)

Brockhampton — Iridescence
Your Facebook Messenger group is always buzzing, racing through hundreds of messages and dozens of topics an hour. You try not to contribute too much, but when the chat gets too real, you’re there for everyone. Until the topic changes again.

Death Cab For Cutie — Thank You For Today
You keep in contact with old exes and sometimes check in to make sure they’re doing well. They usually are, even if you clearly don’t connect with them like you did when you were younger.

Mastersystem — Dance Music
I miss Scott too.

Mac Miller — Swimming
Fuck this year in general.

Florence & the Machine — High As Hope
You still believe that everything in the world will turn out okay…

Tomberlin — At Weddings
…But then you remember that this is 2018, and the burden of existence is weighing on you. You’ve been on several different medications to treat your depression, but none of them work. For some reason, though, you’ve made it this far. You’re still here, and you still live. Maybe you want to believe in a future anyway, even if Earth will most likely be uninhabitable by 2030.

Interpol — Marauder
You know this list isn’t as good as last year’s, but have made peace with that, and you’re enjoying the list for what it is. You’re still not sure Dave Fridmann was the best choice to produce this list.

Thanks to Katherine St. Asaph, Ashley Bardhan, and Austin Brown for feedback and additional writing.