Dear Dairy Queen, your Royal Highness

A plea to wed the Blizzard with the Dilly Bar

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“Frank, July 23, 2011 — DQ” by pat00139 is licensed under CC BY 2.0

Your Royal Highness, the Queen of Dairy;

I’m writing first and foremost to recognize the Dilly Bar as the perfect vessel for soft-serve ice cream. As one of your most faithful and devoted subjects, I applaud your entire Court for achieving a crisp and substantive round chocolate outer shell with the perfect curlicue embellishment.

My Queen, about that curlicue: It’s hailed across the nation as the crowning achievement of your reign, long may you rule. It manages to taunt me to eat it, while simultaneously daring me to save it for the very last bite. It looks like the shellacked hair of Bob’s Big Boy, yet tastes like crispy, silky smooth, noble-grade chocolate. It breaks apart in the mouth with a royal confidence, not limp, soggy frailty like other inferior confectionary shell from the hinterlands.

And yet I ramble. Forgive me, my Queen. I shall make haste.

Allow me, then, to submit to you a modest proposal I believe could benefit both the Crown’s popularity (which is unmatched) and prosperity.

First, might you recall the Blizzard®? You introduced it in 1985 to reward your subjects with the pleasure of popular sundae toppings mixed into every bite, not just on top. It was an early glimpse into your ingenuity, and your pulse for the people: we had moved beyond mere toppings.

In light of your commitment to advancement, my proposal is this: in such times of political turmoil, why not soothe the masses and unite all your subjects around a cause we can believe in? By simply injecting popular Blizzard® flavors inside your classic Dilly Bar shell, you can not only integrate two of your most popular achievements, but perhaps the world.

In closing, I offer this: It’s true that vanilla has sufficed and (soft) served us well for nearly 40 years. But these are not vanilla times. These are the days of Snickerdoodle Cookie Dough, Royal Oreo, and Turtle Pecan Cluster.

You are a Queen of the People, and the people want the Blizzard® Dilly Bar®. Or the Dilly Bar® Blizzard®. Or oh hell, both. And we want them now.

Forever at your service in mind and belly,

Joshua Merritt

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is just a dude with bipolar II writing about life and stuff.

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