I quit drinking — and then lost friends.
How to meet new people that support your sobriety.
Here’s what happens when you collect a lifetime of drinking buddies: you stop drinking, and they stop calling. It’s not harsh, just true. After all, who wants to booty call you when you’ve sworn off the booty?
It’s probably a stretch to say I lost them as friends. Our relationships have just changed, and that’s natural. They spend their evenings at bars, and I spend my evenings avoiding them. They spend their evenings with bourbon, and I spend mine with oolong tea and peach pear sparkling water. I still love these people, and they still love me. But we’ve grown more distant.
It got awfully lonely for a long stretch. I was used to meeting up two or three evenings a week for drinks. My sobriety, at least temporarily, cost me my social life.
In hindsight, that’s a good thing. I didn’t need more excuses to drink, or people to enable me. I needed to hit my own bottom and claw my way out of it. I needed a therapist, a psychiatrist, and the time and tools to heal. And most importantly, I needed new connections with people that weren’t centered around drinking.
At forty-years-old, I didn’t know if making new friends was possible: one of the comforts of alcohol (for me) was that I didn’t have to try hard at anything. It made me complacent and stagnant.
Sobriety did the exact opposite: it made me uncomfortable, gave me nervous energy to expend, and made me really just how unhappy I really was. I finally realized I was using alcohol to mask that unhappiness. And for a while, I crashed and burned.
I’ll spare you the details of my great depression — you can read all about them in my article “James Harden, the Houston Rockets, and my life with major depression.” Summarized, it looks like this: I got so low I nearly died. And then I emerged, slowly pieced myself back together with the help of an incredible support team, and began a long, difficult, and incredibly rewarding healing and growth process. Today, I’m grateful: my life is so much better on this side of addiction.
In that spirit, here are my top tips for making new friends (and rekindling old ones) when you’re newly sober and need safe, rewarding connections:
Create an event or group.
I realized pretty quickly that new friends don’t just magically appear; you have to seek them out. That was hard at first. Where should I go? (Answer: not the bar.) Who should I talk to? (Answer: Not the lady with a cat in a carry-bag at the movie theater.)
So I created some opportunities to meet new people. First, I started a (now defunct) meetup group called ATX GoWorking. It brought curious people together for unique daytime work experiences, like working together on a boat on Lake Travis, at a private pool, and over a full traditional English high tea service.
The biggest thing I gained from this was confidence. Alcohol had destroyed mine, and slowly creating new events, actually showing up to them, and having to meet several new people restored my ability to enjoy the entire process.
Today, two newer friends and I meet monthly to talk about writing. We share our latest drafts, talk about our process, and give each other feedback and suggestions. We eat lots of pancakes. I look forward to it every month.
Your events or groups don’t have to be grand acts. Invite your street or block or neighborhood to your driveway for Saturday morning baked goods. Start a book club that’s actually about books, not drinking wine. Invite a new coworker to coffee. If you’re a musician, host a small jam day in your garage or at a recreation center.
Whatever your idea, just try it. Try another one, too. They will pay off.
Be vulnerable.
This should be tip number one: the moment I started talking openly and honestly about my addiction and mental health, I instantly formed deeper connections. Rather than hide my struggles from my friends, family, coworkers, and the general public, I began sharing them openly and honestly. (Check out my article, “My Mental Illness DOES define me” for my full perspective.)
Maybe I ostracized a few people who felt uncomfortable with such heavy topics, or who weren’t ready for my truth bombs. But that’s okay. Opening up will bring more people into your life that value your experience, your honesty, and your true self. What else could you want?
Get involved.
Volunteer at the local elementary school for an hour or two each week. Find a charity you like, and go to their next group work day. Read to kids at an area shelter. Show up to a park cleanup day.
If you’re feeling particularly passionate and ambitious, start a cause of your own. Either way, volunteer opportunities are great places to meet new friends.
Just the act of being around and interacting with other humans soothes the soul and distracts the mind from our own (often toxic) worries.
Help someone who needs it.
When I was feeling really low, a few incredible people rallied to my side to make sure I wasn’t alone. I’ll never forget these people, and consider them family now.
Now, I’m trying to pay it forward. I look for people in my network who may need help, and try to provide it whenever I can. Sometimes, it’s emotional support. Sometimes, it’s fundraising. But it brings me closer to people I care about, and that fosters even closer friendships.
Not long ago, I held a bake sale for a friend in need. I’m not kidding when I say half the neighborhood came out, and I made some incredible new connections just hanging out in my driveway chatting with neighbors for a few hours.
Try co-working.
If you have the type of job where you can work remotely for a day or two a week — or even an hour or two — try dropping in to a free trial at a co-working space near you. They’re great places to meet new people, and I count several new lifelong friends (including the owner) from my time at one.
If you don’t have a nearby co-working spot, post to your neighborhood or church or community board that you will be working remotely at a local coffee shop and would love company. You’ll be amazed at who might show up, and what friendships could develop as a result.
This year, I plan to put a wooden table in my front yard and invite neighbors to co-work with me on nice days. I’ll provide coffee, a power strip, and my guest wi-fi password. They’ll provide me well-needed company and conversation. I can’t wait to write about how it turns out.
Reconnect with old acquaintances.
It’s funny how many Facebook friends are just old acquaintances that you seldom see. Most of mine are that way. Turns out, several lived and worked nearby, and we’ve reconnected for breakfasts and lunches and co-working afternoons. A few others that live further away also feel connected to mental health, and we get together via phone/ text / messaging apps to check in on each other, laugh together, and just have fun in general.
Point: don’t overlook your current friend network for people that might become even closer friends.
Take up a hobby
I hate to admit this, but drinking was my hobby. Trying new bars, discovering new drinks, and surrounding myself with alcohol culture was one of the biggest parts of my life.
Of course, I’ve always had other interests, but they took second place to drinking. When I gave up alcohol, I had plenty of time to fill, and the most logical way to fill it was with these old interests.
I write more music now. Writing more music has led me to collaborating with more people. I write more articles, too, which has been great for making new friends and growing closer to the ones I already have.
I’ve always loved screen printing, so I also joined a local screen printing co-op and made a few great friends there as well.
What interests you, and who can you find to do it with? Shared passions like crafts, handiwork, and other hobbies are great gateways to vibrant communities of people.
Say yes more often.
A friend of a friend of a friend recently messaged me on Facebook after reading a few of my articles. We seemed to have a few common interests, and he asked me to lunch. It was a really great time, and we plan to meet every month now.
I’ve made it a habit of saying yes to more invitations than I used to. I also extend more invitations, doing things like buying an extra ticket to an event or concert and then challenging myself to find someone to go with me.
I realize now that drinking kept my world artificially small. It convinced me that I had everything I needed, when in fact, I needed so much more.
When someone invites you somewhere, say yes (as long as it’s safe, moral, and supports your sobriety :-)). I won’t lie, this was hard at first. Depression made me want to say no — but whenever I could, I pushed back on that initial instinct and said yes, even if it was slightly uncomfortable at first.
I encourage you to do the same. You never know what will come from it.
Move your body
Okay, I haven’t done this one, I’ll admit. Exercise is my kryptonite, but I hear it’s a great way to meet people. Gyms, cycling teams, walking with neighbors, fitness bootcamps — they’re all full of people trying to live healthier lives.
Find a running partner, a sparring partner, a wrestling team, a yoga studio, or a rock climbing gym. Introduce yourself to the people that smile and say hi. It’s a simple, low-key way to make new acquaintances while moving your body, which has natural antidepressant benefits and is a great way to stay distracted while you are in the early days of sobriety.
Move your location if you need to.
This one is a bit more drastic, but a few friends of mine have moved to a new city (or even just a new neighborhood) when life felt stagnant and they needed to meet new people. It’s worked well for them.
If the place you live is just too deeply rooted in your former life of addiction, you may need to move. If you’ve tried everything to meet new people with zero success, a new town may be a great way to go.
This isn’t always feasible (logistically or financially) for everyone: my kids are in schools we don’t want to take them out of, for example. But new cities or parts of town bring new people and new experiences.
Just don’t forget to maintain a lifeline if you go somewhere new. Keep in touch with the people you are closely connected to, and hit the ground running once you move to find a few new people and places you really feel close to.
Try online forums
There’s no substitute for in person human connection, but connection of any type if critical if you are feeling lonely or need interaction and support. I love the communities like Reddit’s /r/stopdrinking. They’re great places to meet other people, get advice, create new online friendships, and possibly even meet some locals.
You don’t have to exclusively seek out recovery-related groups, either. Any online forum or community that caters to your interests that seems full of kind and vibrant discussion can be a great place to make new friends. In this day and age, friends don’t have to be near you in proximity to feel close to you.
Finally, reframe current friendships when you can
A few of my best friends were also drinking buddies. When I first quit drinking, I had to distance myself from them for a while, because I needed time away from the people and places that I associated with alcohol.
Eventually, I realized that I didn’t need to completely abandon these precious friendships, though. Many were willing to hang out with me on my terms, at coffee shops or places that didn’t serve alcohol. Several eventually cut back or quit their own drinking. Along the way, I set ground rules that were important to my recovery, like “no alcohol in my house,” for when they came to dinner or to watch a basketball game with me.
Gradually, I’ve reinvigorated a few close friendships with friends that were also once drinking buddies. We’ve just redefined our relationship, and where and how we interact. I’d like to say we’ve grown closer along the way.
Not all of my drinking buddies were able to make this leap, though. If hanging out with someone threatens your sobriety in any way, it might be best to part ways for a while. It’s okay to stop visiting your old haunts, too, even if people are pressuring you to come back. After all, there are plenty of ways to make new friends that respect your boundaries and honor your journey.
Remember, you deserve — and will find—incredible new friendships.
At Christmas, I spoke with an old friend I haven’t talked to in years that has recently given up alcohol. His own struggle with finding new friends inspired me to write this article.
I think the most important takeaway for him, and for you, is this: you deserve friendships and love. Alcohol can make us believe otherwise. Quitting alcohol can leave our brains foggy, confused, and surprisingly sad when we thought we would feel better.
Start by just believing it, or reciting it as a mantra: I deserve friendships and love. Gradually, this will open you up to recognizing the opportunities you have to find them. The opportunities are everywhere, but you have to see them and seize them. If I can do it — finding an incredible group of people that embrace my quirks, my sobriety, and my mental health struggles — there’s no question that you can, too.
Been through this, or going through it now? What tips do you have, and what has worked best for you when you needed new non-drinking buddies? Share them in the comments!
