The human condition: Be anxious for nothing

I came here unprepared (let here be the universe). At least, that’s how I feel. The randomness of everything. My body here. My mind everywhere. A stranger calls me by my name. I want to tell her to stop. That I am not her own. But I kiss her instead. There’s only one way to get lost: you lose yourself. And it is also how you find your way.

How do you describe a man that sits and watches his phone ring? That screams into his gut and allows the echo to be energy trapped in his body. The dictionary description is irresponsible. Damn snub. Why don't you pick your calls? Even on WhatsApp. No reply. But a man is shivering at the other side of the phone. He wants to dissolve at every notification tune. And he doesn't know why he does not call the people he misses.

I walked to the front. Head down. A little dizziness. The MC said something about fine boys. The earth grumbled under my feet. Getting to the reserved seat was a relief. Head remained down. My brown shoes. I love brown. It reminds me of the smell of earth and water. Good memories too. A loosed lace. I bent to tie it. My heart nearly fell out. I hoped the microphone did not pick the noise in my head. And when I eventually spoke, first my clothes came off. Then my body became open to thoughts of intellectual and emotional inadequacy. Later that night, I would be rescued by a friend’s phone call in the kitchen with my dinner and sanity in pieces on the floor around me.

Prayers. Monologuing on a loop. Music. Sleep. Sunset. Country air. White walls. Therapy is an ever changing ritual. I came here unprepared. I should have come with an extra life.