Punk Plump Pinup Girl
Content Notice: Suicide, mental health, weight, car accident, trauma
I never planned or expected to start Pinup/Rockabilly modeling but then again a lot of things have happened the last few years that I did not plan on happening.
No one ever plans to hit rock bottom
I never planned to have 3 accidents in a year, work injuries, steroid injections, x-rays, ass hole doctors, tears in my shoulder and wrist, chronic pain and physical therapy in my life. I never planned on not being able to rock climb anymore. I never planned on not being able to paint or draw for more then an hour or two anymore. I never planned on not being able to feed, bathe, dress myself or pick up my baby girl for almost 4 months.
I never planned to have my medication dosage changed by my pharmacy without my knowledge which caused me to be overly sedated. I never planned for that error to go on without my knowledge for months causing me to sleep an average of 12–14 hours a day not including naps which were needed almost every day. I never planned for my Doctor to not take me seriously when I told her something was wrong. “It’s just your depression. You just need to exercise and get out more,” she said to me as I begged for labs to be done wondering if I was having thyroid problems or adrenal fatigue. Just let that sink in. My valid concerns were brushed away by a medical professional because of a stigma. *internal screaming*
I never planned on forgetting to take my medication for a couple days (which had never been a big deal before the unknown dosage change.) I never planned on that causing my heart rate to start beating at a regular rate for the first time in 4 months which is unpleasant to say the least. I never planned on that causing a panic attack so bad that I became instantly suicidal begging for someone to put me out of my misery before I ended up in the ER. I never planned on gaining so much weight during that time that I now weigh more then I did even when I was pregnant with my daughter.
Accepting the Imperfect
But here we are! Here I am, alive and healing! Here I am trying to love my self extra pudge, mommy tummy, back rolls and all. And here I am not letting anything stand in my way of trying to accomplish and experience what I want to in this short life. Nick tells me I have started at level 1 many times the last few years but each time I hit level one I scratch and claw my way back up each level. And I am at the point where I try not to care about the levels anymore. Game over. I’m going rouge.
Who gives a should?
I try not to should on myself anymore. You should be healed by now. You should of lost weight by now. You should be able to go back to work. You should be able to wear that dress still. You should be able to do everything you could do before. Well fuck that.
I shouldn’t do or be anything! I do what I can and I am who I am. And people need to stop shoulding on themselves too. It’s not fair! Who is telling you what you should do, should be, should wear? Chances are it is you doing that. Or it may be some ass hole who is shoulding on themselves too. So who gives a shit about what I should do? What I have done and am doing is way more important!
Sometimes you just got to say “I kind of kick ass!”
This year I became a barista at pretty high end coffee shop which was the funnest job I have ever had! I became a Music Journalist, which was an amazing opportunity to continue my writing career I had gave up on when I had my kiddo at 18 years old. I have been making a name for myself in the the local Punk & Metal music scene and I have met amazing bands and people! I have learned so much about my passion, music and there is so much more for me to learn! I’m learning how to play bass guitar and being inspired by amazing chick bassists like Bianca Butt Hole (Betty Blow Torch)and Starbie SixtySix (Toxic Zombie.)
Can’t shove a butterfly back in it’s cocoon
I am proud to say I am a huge educator, activist, rally attendee and protester for my Human Rights, Feminist, & LGBTQ+community. I am a group leader and educator in my young adult Polyamory/Nonmonogamy community as well.
I strive every day to make a difference in someones life and show empathy to as many people as I can. I bust my ass constantly to make this world a better place for my baby girl and every other kid out there who is different. I live my life 100% authentically, which 2 years ago I was terrified of. The thoughts and words of others held me back for so long but they never will again!
Through another’s eyes you see the beauty in you
I’ve made the decision to start seeing myself through the eyes of those who matter to me in my life. It isn’t easy. It is a choice I have to continue to make every day to ignore the hateful words planted in my head by other people and allow the loving words I plant to blossom and flourish. And now I am embracing my chunky, curvy, chubby, sexy body!
Photogenic Punk
I use to love taking selfies but would NEVER let people take my pictures. I always saw the double chin or the gap in my teeth and felt disgusted with myself when everyone else just saw a happy girl being herself in a candid shot. But lately I have tried to enjoy letting people take pictures. I ham it up girl! I smile, give bedroom eyes, stick my booty out, raise my eyebrows & flip off the camera. And guess what? I’m starting to see what other people see because when I’m being photographed I chose to ignore the mean seeds in my head. So when I go to look at the pictures not only do I have a more forgiving assessment then I did before but I look confident and happy in my photos which people find beautiful!
Walking on sunshine!
So I have started doing Pinup Modeling. Who knows if anything will come of it other than the mass amounts of love, support, and compliments I have been getting from my Facebook friends & fmaily. But that is enough for me. I posted my first photo set yesterday and today I have been walking around with an extra strut in my step and a huge smile on my face. No one can take that away from me.
Our relationship with Society
And Nick keeps reminding me that Pin Up girls we’re curvy and chunky ladies! They were not size 2’s. So not only am I modeling for me but I am modeling for all the curvy, chunky, plus sized people out there! You’re idea of beauty, your partners idea of beauty does not have to match society idea of beauty! Fuck society! What positive effect has it really had on us anyway? It’s just a toxic relationship. So why not just block society's calls and Facebook messages and move on? Your relationship with yourself can be so much healthier if you let it but you got to break up with the things and people dragging you down. ❤
Learning to be comfortable with being uncomfortable
And I’m learning to be okay with being out of my comfort zone sometimes. Amazing lessons and experiences can happen when you step out of your bubble. As a gender fluid person (she/her) who typically stomps around in fishnets, a Mohawk, and combat boots being a feminine pinup girl in front of a camera has been different but also refreshing. I have choices. I don’t have to be one thing! That is the beauty of not giving a fuck guys! ❤
