It takes time.
Time to recover.
The littlest things like taking a shower can provoke anxiety. It wasn’t that I wasn’t allowed to take showers. It’s that I took too long to take a shower, too long to get ready and this would result in us being late to unscheduled events with no time limit and this would lead to me “ruining the day” and it was my fault.
When I sleep or try to sleep I still have the lingering feeling. Or my brain reacts as I were doing something wrong.
“You’re not allowed to sleep yet, I’M not tired” ringing in my brain.
The mental side of things were worse than the physical, they sit longer and they play longer in your mind.
It’s been a month since I moved, escaped, living in a small room on a sofa with five pets.
I thought I would miss him, in one fucked up way, I thought my mind would make me. But I haven’t and that to me is one small victory after four years of habit.
I still focus on negative feelings, negative events and I am teaching myself and I am learning to be a better person, a more positive person and look after myself, for me.
Small things are constant daily reminders. My jaw that clicks when I move it.
I’m an angry being and it needs to stop. I cannot be angry at the rest of the world because of what happened.