The usual blank mind you get at the start of expressing the knotted messy ball of feelings. I am so far from what I had thought I would be by now. No I don't mean the usual relative self talk about achievements and failures. I had hoped that by now in whatever turmoil I can rely on keeping in touch with my heart and mind, that the power of my own personality can get me through stuff. But for the first time it isn't the case. I lost myself, I let surroundings take over my values. Without any obvious reasoning I let my head be filled with unnecessary nonsense. Since when I cant let go unwanted emotions? Since when I started buying into irrelevant info burned into my daily life? Why I cant overcome the guilt of not performing the best, not being on the top of strangers wish list? I kind of hint that it all happened when I accepted a job that drained my natural self. I dwelled away from who I was. Maybe I put someone else's needs before me, maybe I put everyone else's needs first. I expected a payback, I expected for it all to pay off. It was all meant to be worth it and justify me giving myself up for this job. Its nearly as excusing oneself for seeing things are wrong eyes wide open but still carrying on. Its material world we are living in — so we are eventually all coded to excuse one selves for not looking the bigger picture. My bigger picture was optimal health, great family relations and contentment with my daily life. To be fulfilled with simple and basics. But instead I filled my days working towards wrong goals, knowingly. Amusingly, I still kept going in the rush of adrenaline, partly due to the caffeine I managed to flush through my system daily, but also because of this obvious fake illusion that my hard work will pay off through helping others in the same hardship. Its the need of belonging and gratitude that blinded me to myself. It somehow made it all worth it. It was meant to secure the bigger picture of mine. At least it was meant to pay off. I cheated myself without knowing the risk I was taking. I went for it and kept going, near mindlessly. Until the day it came to an end. Like with any cheating, eventually its crystal clear that I was going against myself. The moment of truth when none of the colleagues think I should go on and the idea of success don't seem realistic anymore. I handed in my notice. My heart told me I've done the right thing, everyone else did so as well. I gained respect for standing up for myself. But none of the expected feeling of belonging and love. It just felt as if I have grown the sphere of hard work for the rest of the team and left them to cease the fire. Without me. And no one is calling my name, in truth no one cares. That's the very reality of the well pronounced clause Teamwork. You need to be in it right? So I am in a real need to either bury the feelings of my last year and a half or go it all through in another perspective once more. All in a desperate cry to come out of it strong enough to go on and apply for something that will not be another secret lie to myself. We associate being strong with facing up with problems. After spending a day in hysteric emotional thunderstorm in two offices I can tell as a result that probably any storm comes to an end. We ask for privacy and confidentiality, but all we try to achieve is to get the whole world heard. We want the people team to bathe us in tissue paper and have the entire management team feel guilty of me not receiving my expected reward. They feel sorry for me letting myself turn into such a emotional wreck more like. If there is nothing else positive to shift your mind to when seeing your employee so torn in front of you, it must be the fact that ‘Thank God She is not the person we promoted next’. And suddenly the ‘its all pointless and no one here cares anymore’ attitude will take over the room. Its embarrassing but I need to make a move. Thanked everyone who lent their shoulder to cry on and promised to take my experience into account. And here I am, apparently left my job voluntarily but I still feel as if its not fair. I feel cheated, wasted, embarrassed, low. Most annoyingly so far from professionalism that I don't even want to think of starting to look for a new job. My notice period was cut short by 5 working days, apparently on a paid leave. After seven hours of coming into terms with it I still don't know why I hate the fact so much. Maybe because I was trying so hard to show till the last moment how much I cared , how much I can give, give , give. And this chance was now taken away from me. This is most likely the truth. Its well-known we are so used to give and get. I wanted to see that someone feels bad about my time and energy being wasted. But I strongly sense now that there is someone indeed feeling it. Its myself. I kept digging the hole but the feelings cant be buried. So I decided to go them through instead. Not sure if it is my way to iron out my problems with myself or even further outcry for attention. Perhaps starting a blog will help me to cope with the emotions within. Help me to express without failure. The only person listening is myself and she is the one I have wanted to keep in touch more for awhile. She is the only one who can actually comfort me right now, the only one who in all fairness should be bothered. My manager will be same tomorrow, my people team has gone home and trying to swift from anything work-related as I type. The moment of caring will be short-lived. That's life and it would be stubborn of me to think otherwise. I have experience enough to know so , for definite. Maybe, just maybe I will offer an extra time to hear out my boyfriends day instead of commenting on the downside of my job tonight. You only realize how much of your day is filled with unnecessary negative self-talk after doing it on your own for a good 8 hours straight. That's a whole shift worth of emotion-digesting. I can hand on heart say its been worth it. I needed to find a way to cope with my situation and I remembered this old vague memory of my mother telling me about the magical comfort of keeping a diary. So I am giving it a try.