If I can, you can too. A anecdote about surviving death.

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Everyone knows that death is inevitable. There are a lot of things in life that are not for sure but death, death is definite. You can’t beat death, you can’t avoid it and you certainly can’t forget about it. Losing a loved one is challenging, it’s sad, it’s like losing a part of your heart. You may not realize it yet but your heart is broken into many tiny, little pieces. Each piece is delegated to a specific family member, some may be bigger than others but, your family is your heart. When someone from your family passes away a little piece of your heart goes with them.

Losing someone at a young age is traumatizing, I know because I suffered through it. I lost someone who was my whole world, someone who I never thought I would have to live without while I was still in middle school. I lost my Grandmother, the one person that was always on my side even if I was wrong. I had to figure out who I was, what I wanted to do with my life, what kind of person I wanted to be and most importantly how to survive without her. Some proved to be more difficult than others nevertheless they were all tough to do without her.

I have been on this planet for approximately 7,038 days, 2,854 of those days I have had to live without her. In those 2,854 days I have found out who I am, what kind of person I want to be and what I want to do with my life. However, I have not figured out how to live without her. She’s the first one I think about when something big happens. When I graduated high school, she the first one I wanted to see sitting in the audience. When I started college she’s the one I wanted to tell about my first day. When my life was falling apart she’s the only one that I knew would know how to put all of the broken pieces back together. She’s always the one that knew how to fix things.

As I become an adult and face real life situations, I catch myself thinking about her more often. I often wonder what she would think of me, what she would think about the decisions I’ve made, what she would think about the people I surround myself with. What would she think? She didn’t get to see me grow into an adult, she did however get to see me grow up.

The toddler’s mind is an ever growing place, the knowledge a child gains as a toddler is astounding. I spent my toddler hood with my grandmother, she taught me so much that she didn’t even realize. I have spent many many nights lying awake thinking about how jealous I was of toddler me. She got to have her grandmother, she got to spend time with her, got to hug her and love her. I now realize how wrong I was. Yes, I was a lucky toddler, I got to spend time with my grandmother. I got to go on vacations with her, I got to cook with her, I got to share memories that I will never forget with her. Yet, if I didn’t get to do those things early on I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. She is the reason I am here today, she is the one that has pushed me to strive for greatness, she is my rock. She isn’t here today but I like to think that she would be pleased with what I have done to get this far. After all, she is the one that taught me how to live a honest and meaningful life.
By all means, I would have loved to keep my grandmother in my life longer than she was, but death is inevitable.

So, I’m here to tell you that death is heartbreaking, it’s life shattering but it’s okay. I’m here surviving with a heart full of holes. If I can, you can too.

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