Last night I sent a few of my favorite women a text asking them, “What’s one thing you do when you feel insecure?” I told them their responses would be used for our weekly Girls Club #MentorMonday post. While that was very true, I was also curious about their answers because I was feeling a little insecure about some things in my life. That old saying, “we teach what we need to learn,” is often true for me.
Generally, I received two types of responses back from my friends: 1.) the non-helpful things they did when they felt insecure and 2.) the helpful actions they took to combat feelings of insecurity. Both responses gave me insight on what I should stop and start doing in my moments of insecurity.
Actions to STOP
First, let’s start with the honest, non-helpful things. These are the actions I realized I should stop doing because they don’t help resolve the source of my insecurity:
- Shopping unnecessarily
- Comparing myself to others
- Criticizing myself and adding to the negative thoughts with bad self-talk
- Reliving past hurt and mistakes I’ve made
- Judging others / finding flaws and weaknesses in others
- Communicating with and seeking validation from people who are also insecure (i.e. an ex, an insecure friend, or social media followers)
- Over-analyzing and second-guessing/doubting myself
- Doing nothing
Actions to START
OK, so I stop the unhealthy stuff. Now, what do I do? Here are some of the healthy actions my friends are taking:
1. Taking time alone to reflect on the source of their insecurity.
“When I feel insecure I take a moment to get to the root of why I feel insecure. Honesty with myself is most important. How can I address someone with an issue when I haven’t even addressed myself?”
“When I am encountering feelings of insecurity, I ask myself.. why or what is the cause.”
“Most of my insecurities stem from my weight or feeling like ‘I’m not accomplished’ (based on the bar that I’ve set). When I’m feeling insecure, I tend to light candles, burn some palo santo and reflect while listening to some music.”
“…take control of the situation and spend time with myself.”
2. Connecting to a Divine source or spiritual place.
“I’ve gotten into a great habit of praying or reading devotionals which provides me with a spiritual or Biblical answer.”
“One thing I do is seek guidance from my ancestors, spirit guides, and angels that God has blessed me with. Sometimes it’s as simple as asking for a sign and watching intently and eagerly for confirmation/affirmation.”
“ I go to church (or watch online sermons).
“I pray and ask God for reminders of my strengths and what makes me unique. By remembering my unique gifts and talents, it helps me cut down on the thoughts and feelings of insecurity. In those prayers, God also reminds me of times when people I love and respect have affirmed me along the way.”
“I take a moment and pray. Ask God to remind me of my purpose.”
3. Reflecting on and reminding themselves about accomplishments and positive things in their life.
“I reflect on all the positive forces in my life to encourage my moment.”
“I list good and great things I’ve done. I name all the people who love and admire me.”
“I look at my resume to remember how far I’ve come.”
“I’m a ‘list’ girl, and I tend to keep my lists in my phone. Often times, I’ll pull out my past list of accomplishments as a reminder of some of the obstacles that I’ve overcome or just of the ‘things’ that I’ve completed.”
“I revisit my accomplishments, like degrees, medals, pictures, etc.”
“I also remind myself that I am loved, I am courageous, and I stand on the shoulders of the strongest woman I know — Grandma B. I have nothing to fear or reason to be insecure because it will all work in my favor. I am usually crying through this entire pep talk, but I’m also smiling through those tears.”
4. Saying affirmations and encouraging themselves.
“I close my eyes and say a positive affirmation, such as ‘you got this.’ I also use my Wonder Woman pose to reinforce my inner strength.”
“Say, write, and speak affirmations.”
“I read the affirmation that I keep on my phone lock screen that says: I am confident.”
“… I tend to coach myself through the moment, either with affirmations or reminding myself of things I’m grateful for or triumphant moments.”
“I stand in the mirror, look directly into my eyes and remind myself that I am amazing and no one can do the things that I can because God gave my gifts to me and only me.”
5. Spending time with people who love them.
“I call friends who I know will remind me of how great I am and who will listen to my concerns without judging me. When I’m feeling insecure because of hurt from a romantic relationship, I usually call or spend time with one of my male friends because it allows me to be in a space with a guy who loves me and will remind me of my value.”
“…surround myself with friends and laughter.”
6. Getting cute and reminding themselves of how fly they are.
“I have a cute picture of myself saved as my lock screen, with the quote ‘She remembered who She was and the game changed. I look at it whenever I need a reminder of how beautiful and bomb I am.”
“…I take a ‘me day.’ Do my hair, go to the nail shop and rock a bomb outfit…”
“Wear a fierce pair of shoes and outfit.”
7. Facing their fears
“Nothing happens when I do nothing, but when I try, and even fail, I find success beyond each fear.”
“If I’m insecure about taking a risk or doing something new, I try to determine if it’s coming from a fear of failure. If the insecurity is based in a fear of failing, I acknowledge the fear and take the risk anyway.”
What actions will you take?
Now, that you’ve heard from me and some of the wonderful women in my life, what actions will you stop and start doing when you’re feeling insecure?
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