To thong or not to thong? That is the question!

Should this caveman let his wife wear a thong?!

“I like it when the beat goes du-nuh du-nuh

Baby make your booty gooooo du-nuh du-nuh

Girl I know you wanna show du-nuh du-nuh

That thong, th-thong, thong, thong.” -Sisqo (1999)

Remember that gem? If you don’t or actually are a caveman, feel free to check it out…if you dare.

I was 16 years old when that song came out. And it’s just as scandalous now as it was back then! I kid, I kid. But honestly, it was a little scandalous back then. According to Wiki the “modern” thong was created by a French designer named Rudi Gernreich in 1974. (“Can everyone in class thank Mr. Rudi. Loudly please, and in unison: ‘Thank youuuu Rudi’ …very good, class!”). Now, I can’t speak for years 1974–1983 (Pre-J.P.) nor can I speak for years 1983–1995 (Pre-puberty, yeah I was a late bloomer), but I would say that the thong didn’t start to rear its lacy, frilly head until the late 90’s which is in fact why the Thong Song was indeed so scandalous. I know you think I’m exaggerating but you don’t have to take my word for it…

“Oh dat dress so SCANDALOUS

And you know anotha nigga couldn’t handle it

See ya shakin’ dat thing like who’s da ish

With a look in your eye so devilish” -Sisqo

In the early 2000’s we came to realize that the thong had a mind of its own. It was not content to lay dormant, tucked down and out of sight, no, no, NO! It had to be seen! And seen it was! From miles away! The further the better! Heck it was even photographed! Thongs went from being thin, boring strips of beige fabric to become bejeweled and bedazzled lumbar supports!

After about a decade of thong dominance things thankfully calmed down a bit. I guess girl’s realized that wearing your underwear on the outside of your clothes wasn’t so cool anymore. Apparently being a ‘Ho’ took a real dip in popularity. And the thong, like Donald Trump in the Whitehouse, finally found its rightful place. Women continued wearing and buying thongs by the thousands but it had become mainly motivated by personal taste and comfort rather than to make a fashion statement. And to be honest with you, we guys totally understand! It IS super comfortable to set the booty free. We call it, going commando.

Now mind you I have only dealt with one side of the thong issue. And it’s not the reason I’m writing this article. I’ve come to terms with the thong as underwear. However, unlike my silver spray-paint-haired friend, I’m not so ready to accept it as a swimsuit…

If you’ve managed to stay with me so far, buckle up because things are about to get REAL! If you know me or have read my other two posts you are privy to three key facts: 1)I’m American 2)My wife is Spanish 3)We live in Spain. And….the plot thickens.

Remember how the guy who introduced the thong was French? Yeah well, that’s key right there. You probably don’t know this, because you are American, but France is right next to Spain. They are located on a continent called Europe that’s on the other side of the Atlantic Ocean. If you look at a world map it will be on the right side….no, no, your other right… ok, ok, wait, put your hands out in front of you, the one that makes an “L”, yep that one, good…good…it’s the other one, YEAH that’s it, great! You’re welcome.

That being the case, the thong’s evolution has been greatly accelerated here in Europe. In fact, in terms of beach-wear the thong is nearly extinct. The women here had gotten so used to wearing thongs on the beach that eventually they turned into G-strings. After G-strings there was only one more logical step, to get rid of these pesky things called clothes all together! And ka-BOOM! Nude Beaches!

Why is this important? Because our culture influences everything we do and most of the time we aren’t even aware of it! So… when I was on the beach with my wife, then girl friend and she was bouncing around in her thong, I was needless to say, a tad bit uncomfortable. My wife is young, attractive and Spanish. Not that it would be better if she were old, unattractive, and American…you know, like your wife. Ha Ha.

Call me a caveman if you must ladies…but I’m a reasonable caveman. After a long chat, some cultural clarifications, and lots of beach time practice (Do you know how much beach there is in Spain!? Oh yeah, you’re American, well, it’s alot). I understood why my wife wanted to wear a thong, why she was completely comfortable with it, and how I could be comfortable with it too. When you think about it the thong is Europe’s version of the board short. And how would I feel if someone told me I couldn’t lace up my board shorts! That would just be…Un-American!

To all my fellow cavemen out there, before you try to steal my man-card just know that my wife and I have reached a compromise. To thong in Spain, but NOT to thong in the U.S.A. My wife ain’t no music video HO, sorry Sisqo, NO.

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