The Ear Trumpet
For over 200 years, the Ear Trumpet was the only hearing aid choice for the hearing impaired. They were funnel-shaped devices that collected sound waves and directed them to the ear, and were often made of sheet metal. The following is a reenactment of the very first hearing aid fitting.
1812, London
DR. REIN (male audiologist, 40s): Thank you for coming to my office on such short notice, Mrs. Spitzfarger.
MRS. SPITZFARGER (female 70s): What?
DR. REIN: THANK YOU FOR COMING TO MY OFFICE.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: To where?
DR. REIN: (pointing to the ground) HERE. THIS OFFICE.
(MRS. SPITZFARGER looks around the room as if she’s confused as to how she got there.)
DR. REIN: Lend me your ear, I have invented something that might help you.
(DR. REIN pulls out a large horn-shaped object.)
MRS. SPITZFARGER: What is that contraption?
DR. REIN: It’s an apparatus that will enable you to hear better.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: What?
DR. REIN: IT’S AN ASSISTED HEARING APPARATUS.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Your sister’s earring apple rats? Stop being silly, doctor.
DR. REIN: No, it’s called…
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Does it have a name?
DR. REIN: (leaning into her ear) THE EAR TRUMPET!
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Trumpet? Like the instrument?
DR. REIN: YES.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: But a trumpet is a trumpet.
DR. REIN: But this is an ear trumpet.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Oh, Ear Trumpet.
DR. REIN: Isn’t it great?
PATIENT: What?
DR. REIN: ISN’T IT GREAT!
MRS. SPITZFARGER: What?
DR. REIN: The EAR TRUMPET.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: The Ear Trumpet?
DR. REIN: YES!
MRS. SPITZFARGER: I haven’t tried it yet.
DR. REIN: I know.
(DR. REIN pulls out a rag and buffs the brass device, clearing off all smudges and fingerprints.)
DR. REIN: (speaking loudly into her ear) This is a momentous occasion. You are about to be the first person to ever wear a hearing aid.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: As the first patient to ever wear a hearing aid, I think the product should bear my name.
DR. REIN: No offense, ma’am, but I don’t think anyone would want to wear a Spitzfarger Trumpet.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Great, it’s settled. The Spitzfarger Trumpet it is.
DR. REIN: Well, um, let’s first have you wear it and see…
MRS. SPITZFARGER: What?
DR. REIN: Let’s try it on.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Huh?
DR. REIN: LET’S TRY IT ON!
MRS. SPITZFARGER: The Spitzfarger Trumpet?
DR. REIN: (sighs) The Ear Trumpet.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Yes, I’d love to try the Spitzfarger Trumpet.
(DR. REIN places the small portion of the funnel near the patient’s ear.)
DR. REIN: Behold, the answer to all your hearing problems. (speaking in the device with a soft voice) Can you hear me?
(MRS. SPITZFARGER stares at the audiologist in open-eyed wonderment. Smiles.)
MRS. SPITZFARGER: It’s amazing. Say something else.
DR. REIN: Do you hear what I’m saying now?
MRS. SPITZFARGER: I hear exactly what you’re saying. Brilliant!
(DR. REIN hands the device to MRS. SPITZFARGER.)
MRS. SPITZFARGER: So all I have to do is hold this heavy instrument up to my ear everywhere I go, and I can have conversations again?
DR. REIN: Yes! And all the glorious sounds of the world will be clear to you.
(MRS. SPITZFARGER swings her head left and right.)
MRS. SPITZFARGER: When I want to converse with someone, they just speak in the opening here, right?
DR. REIN: That’s it. Nothing could be easier.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: What about the other ear?
(DR. REIN grabs hold of the Ear/Spitzfarger Trumpet, and swings it around the back of patient’s head and to the other ear.)
MRS. SPITZFARGER: You’re very clever doctor.
DR. REIN: You’re too kind.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: But what if I’m in a group conversation, and need to hear two people at once? Like at a card game.
(DR. REIN goes to the cabinet, pulls out a second Ear/Spitzfarger Trumpet, buffs off the smudges, and presents it to MRS. SPITZFARGER.)
MRS. SPITZFARGER: This is too much.
(MRS. SPITZFARGER holds the devices up to each ear, stands, and walks across the room.)
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Doctor, do these make me look younger?
DR. REIN: Not a day over 30.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: (blushing) Oh, stop.
(MRS. SPITZFARGER points the devices to different objects — a plant, a chair — to see if any sound is coming from them.)
DR. REIN: Ah, the wonder of modern technology.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Nothing will ever be better than this.
DR. REIN: Perfection cannot be improved.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Do they come in different colors?
DR. REIN: Brass and silver.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Hmmm. Difficult choice.
DR. REIN: Indeed.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Doctor, my arms are getting tired.
DR. REIN: What better way to stay in peak physical condition.
(MRS. SPITZFARGER sits down again, still holding the devices to both ears.)
DR. REIN: What do you think, Mrs. Spitzfarger?
MRS. SPITZFARGER: I’m very impressed by your forward-thinking innovation doctor, but surely I can’t afford something as modern as this.
DR. REIN: You can try them both for a week, free of charge.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Really?
DR. REIN: Yes, but you’ll have to leave your horse as collateral.
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Oh, I never ride that thing anyway. Besides, I’ve got a lot of hearing to do with these two Spitzfarger Trumpets.
DR. REIN: Ear Trumpets, ma’am.
(Still holding the devices to each ear, MRS. SPITZFARGER stands and walks to the door.)
MRS. SPITZFARGER: Thank you, doctor.
DR. REIN: Go forth, wake your ears to the sounds of the world.
(MRS. SPITZFARGER walks through the doorway and bangs the devices against the door frame. DR. REIN smiles, so proud of himself.)
