How to Stop Raging Against (Your Perfectly Normal) Life
You know the feeling: everything crashes all at once.
Welcome to your life–a trainwreck.
The stress of work gnaws at your sanity. You’re caught between the gears. The boss, the commute, the constant demands. Like a rat on the wheel.
Then, there’s family relationships. You might as well take a stroll through a minefield. You say the wrong thing. You do the wrong thing. A pile of hurt feelings is dumped in your lap, at exactly the point you feel inadequate to deal with them.
You try so hard just to fail so often.
Your neighbors, every acquaintance and stranger, every old friend on your social media feed. They all seem to have it together.
And you? You feel like you could be cast in the next zombie movie.
But what if the problem isn’t your nine-to-five, or your personal life, or what anyone else is up to? What if the problem is upstairs, in your head?
Fret not, dear reader.
If the problem is inside of you, that means the solution is as well.
And it’s easier than you think to move forward.
Grab Some Fresh Perspective
The Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health performed a study in which they found your life is the only one that is imperfect in any way.
Yes, that was sarcasm, and yes, I’m a little sorry about it.
But we often need to be reminded of what we already know.
We know then forget that everyone’s life is imperfect. When we are the ones struggling, we install our blinders, and begin to believe we’re alone in our failings.
Can you think of a celebrity who has killed themselves or overdosed on drugs? Of course you can. Because even those who have attained the highest levels of wealth and fame aren’t immune to the bone-deep fact that life is hard. Imperfection isn’t optional.
I’ll say it again: we all struggle.
Not at the same time, but no one gets a free pass. So, when you find yourself feeling alone on your tough journey, understand that complications are a universal, and your neighbor is probably also having plumbing issues.
Take a trip in your head. Zoom out. Can you see that your life is just one of billions, across a time period of countless millennia? Can you see that you (like everyone else) are simply doing your best in this weird situation on Earth?
Set down your bags. You’re just one person. It’s okay to not have it all together.
Check Your Thoughts
Life is hard right now. The circumstances feel stacked against you.
But, that’s probably not the problem. The problem is that you mistakenly think something is wrong here.
Yet, life is just a series of ups and downs.
So, where did you get the idea that life wouldn’t fall apart?
Who told you that you would always be graceful?
These impressions come to us from everywhere. Fairytales and advertising brainwash us into thinking if we just get the right situation, the right partner, the right job, the right stuff, then we’ll have our happily-ever-after.
But the work of a happy life is ongoing.
Social media, too–though it’s a powerful tool to connect with others–can delude us into thinking we’re the only ones struggling.
Users are likely to put their best face forward and sweep their imperfections under the rug.
This creates the bizarre situation where we all feel like others are doing better than we are, even though the same others are likely to feel that way about us.
It’s a collective delusion.
But you don’t have to compare yourself to others or be jerked around by toxic media. There’s another alternative far more effective at getting back to where you need to be.
Come Back to the Only Moment
I know.
This isn’t how it was supposed to be.
It was supposed to be easier by now, better by now. You had your future lined up exactly how you wanted it. This current version of life: it’s a mistake.
What’s going on?
Rather than re-orienting yourself to the existing reality, and working with it, you’d rather trade it in for a better model. Trust me, I get it.
But life doesn’t work like an Iphone.
So, how do you come back to your only option–the present reality?
As Jon Kabat Zinn, the creator of the iconic Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program, reminds us, “Whatever moment you decide it’s time to reconnect with your life, that moment, guess when that will be? It will be now.”
We can get caught up in the destination, forgetting that the journey is really where we spend our lives.
Yes, some eggs may be broken in the carton right now. But, there are good things happening too. And Marvin Gaye’s song, Ain’t It Funny, reminds us how things turn around.
Try Something New
But, nuts and bolts. How to come back to our present? One of the most effective and simple ways, consistently recommended by psychologists, is gratitude exercises.
Maybe you write in a gratitude journal every day. Maybe you reflect or meditate once a day on what you can be grateful for, like before a mealtime.
Counting your blessings not only makes you happier and less stressed, but by its nature, it pulls you back into the present moment.
Another idea? Try Rick Hanson’s technique of Have, Enrich, Absorb. When you’re having a good experience, enrich it by focusing on it and trying to explore and relish it. Then, absorb that experience. Let it change you. Let it become a part of you.
Or, it doesn’t have to be formal. Maybe your daily tea is your reconnection ritual. You sit there and you do that one thing, with full intention and awareness.
All it takes is one moment to come back.
Find Connection in Your Struggle
There remains a stigma in our culture around asking for help. It goes against (paraphrasing Krista Tippet) our cultural allergy to vulnerability.
But if we can let that go, our greatest healing can occur.
As professor and psychologist Kristin Neff says, “We make it so much worse by feeling we’re isolated in our suffering and our imperfection, when in fact, that’s precisely what connects us to other people.”
Talking with close friends and family, ones who will deeply hold space for us, is a healthy way to use our challenges as connection points, rather than aspects of our lives to resist.
And therapists can use approaches such as cognitive behavioral therapy to guide you in challenging unhealthy thought patterns.
So, think about it. What if reincarnation is wrong? What if this is your one life? What if this is it?
How do you want to spend this time?
Maybe you can start that journey by letting go. Letting go of your human imperfection, of your desire to avoid pain, of what you thought life should be, of your fear of opening those painful parts up to conversation with others.
Once you let go, there’s so much to welcome in. This is your life.
It will never be perfect. But be glad you’re here.
