As much as I deny that I’ve changed in growing into adulthood and coming out as a gay man, I have.

Don't get me wrong. I’m still fundamentally me. My desires, my core being remains ever-present and true.

But my actions, my attitudes, and my outward expressions of myself, have changed, matured, whatever the right word is…

Most notably today, I noticed my attitude toward myself has shifted. I view myself as an organic entity and not a robot. I know that seems silly to view oneself as a robot. However, for many years, I existed by what I was told to do and be. I developed a linear formula for life based on what others thought I should be or do.

Over the most recent few years, I have worked to undo this thinking, this existence. Now, I think for myself, and exist by my own standards. I live life how I see fit and that, in itself, is liberating.

My awareness of my organic existence has pervaded even into my subconscious perception of myself. No longer do I live life ‘shields up.’ Do A plus B and then apply C to get D. I simply exist. I function. I feel me: where I am and how I exist in this moment.

Perhaps, it’s the yoga and green tea talking or maybe the daily practice of being mindful and aware of myself. Checking in periodically and taking my mental and emotional temperature.

Whatever the source, it feels good to be alive. To breathe. To exist.

Not because someone or some book is telling me what I should and should not do. But because I have chosen to live and experience life as it unfolds every day.

I allow each day to happen. I set the stage for the outcome I desire, and then let it unfold: accepting change and the unexpected as they present themselves. This practice requires being open-minded to new perspectives and feelings and ideas.

Staying in the confines of structure and linear thinking is the comfortable. It exists as the reliable option.

But applying mental bravery to face the unknown, relinquishing the tight grip of control on life, opens doors to a new world and an enlightened perception.

Change puts you at risk. But risk pairs with reward when perseverance is applied. There exists great joy in the unknown, in the organic. If you just let it happen and let life unfold.