07–07–17.

drowning, or my neck just above water. these seem to be the only two positions i’m allowed to be in mentally. both feel like despair. both feel as torturous as each other. being asleep is easy, going to sleep & waking up are the hard parts. i’m not really sure which one is the hardest. the confusion itself makes it that much more difficult to deal with. the inability to decide makes me feel worthless, incapable of taking control of my own being. most of the time i just want to sleep. sometimes that means spending the whole day in bed, sometimes that means me wishing i was dead, and the rest of the time is spent trying to distract myself from the frustration of my own indecisiveness. the problem is, even when i’m supposedly distracted, i’m unable to fully participate in day to day life because i’m aware of the fact that it’s all fake. all the smiles, the jokes, the laughter, they’re all a distraction from my own sense of worthlessness. i feel unable to function properly in social settings because every time i open my mouth it feels like i’m overcompensating for this fact. every time i stay silent, it feels like i’m the weight holding everyone’s happiness back. like a cloud blocking the sun while the rest of the sky is perfectly clear. sometimes death feels so close i can almost feel it. i cross the road & can feel my last breath leaving my chest because of a speeding car running me over. or my bones crushing because of the impact of a moving train hitting my body. sometimes those are the sweetest moments. but even those sweet moments are only bittersweet because of the sense of guilt that follows this sudden rush of adrenaline & freedom. although i feel like i’ve begun to let go of my care for the pain that might follow my disappearance into the abyss. i still picture the tears every now & then. maybe that is the only reason why i’m still here, chained to this existence. i am still struggling to find the logic behind this feeling.

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