i find that i’m negotiating with myself at every turn. do i? don’t i? every decision is preceded by a long and torturous negotiation process. after which, i point my frustration towards myself for taking so long to make a decision, which is generally what i wanted to do in the first place. nothing. i’ve tried to act on impulse. meet people, go out, but that is followed by the almost the same process. should i have? maybe i shouldn’t have. the before and after processes both have similar themes: fear and shame. people always ask who you are and what you do upon first meeting you. but i don’t know anymore. i’m barely me at this point. every day is just me floating through existence. every day passes me by. it’s almost like i’m watching time pass from the inside of an hour glass, and i’m stuck in the empty part waiting to drown and disappear in the sands of time. days last forever. months and years, not so much. nothing fills up my day, meaning most of it is a drag. this accumulation of nothingness leads to me looking back on my week, or month or whatever period of time and realising that it’s all gone without me doing anything.

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