Not okay but I am here

I am not okay. I am in a state of dissociation and eternal fog. I am a walking zombie that works to live and in order to be seen as worthy. I am sick and anxious by the world around me. I am weary of my place in this world. I look in the mirror and can’t see what others see.

I am depressed. All I have ever known is emptiness. I can’t describe the words and feelings I feel on a daily basis. I wake up every morning and drag myself to my job where I work hard to look like a “normal” working human being. I try to navigate spaces that can be toxic and triggering to my health.

So I come home and sleep away my pain. I try to rise above it all. But it is hard. It feels like I am drowning as everybody watches.

Even though my mental health is shit and physically I am drained, I try to stay positive. I meditate everyday, talk to the moon, listen to healing in the form of music, embrace my crystals and drink tea. I no longer engage socially. Too hard for me. I can’t think straight and words feels empty.

This is my story.

I am not okay but I am surviving. I am surviving.

At this moment, that is okay. This is my life at this moment. Maybe one day I will live like everyone else. Or maybe not.

This is me navigating mental illness.

Thanks for listening.