Baby Names My Wife Has Rejected

Seriously, what’s wrong with Zoltar?

We’re having a baby!

Yep, after all this time, the wife and I have finally decided to stop spending so much effort on our own selfish whims and take the plunge into parenthood.

It’s not that hard, right? I mean, all of our kid-enhanced friends seem to have time for jobs and Facebook and vacations and restaurants and everything else we’ve come to enjoy. Am I missing something?

Before I begin, let me say that I’m partial to non-typical names. Not that I have anything against the Jacob’s and Sophia’s out there, it’s just that, I think, a name should be somewhat unique. On the other hand, I’m not a fan of the celebrity strange-o names either (see Pilot Inspektor and Apple.)

OK, so here they are: Baby names my lovely wife has rejected, in order of my descending disappointment.

Allegheny. Yes, that’s obviously a girl’s name (and a river and a mountain range, among other geographical points of interest, derived from a Native American word), and we’re having a boy, so I’ll agree with her on this one. But what a great name for someone with Western Pennsylvania roots, right? (The DW is from Virginia, so I threw “Chesapeake” into the bidding as well, and was also vetoed.)

Element. Again, more of a female name, but really cool, don’t you think? Nickname would, obviously, be “Ellie.”

Source. Not sure where I picked up on this great name, but I always figured that it would be sweet if we had twins—a boy and a girl—and named them Element and Source. (Note to self: could also be used as names of the main protagonists in the prequel to “The Matrix.”)

Stone. Pearl Jam guitarist. Done.

Erie. Another connection to Pennsylvania, and a neat, Irish-sounding, name, although neither of us are Irish. And, not much room for a nickname, which I see as a bonus.

Signal. Suggested by my brother, but I really like it. Definitely a boy’s name.

Precursor. I don’t know why, but it just has a ring to it.

Stush. Awesome Western PA nickname for a 78-year-old retired steelworker with Eastern European roots! That makes it great for a newborn in Hawaii. (Note: May be spelled “Stash” or “Stoosh,” but I’m not sure if it exists outside of being spoken in a rundown bar between orders of boilermakers.)

Inertia. Another great, definitely boy name. Although, might encourage a lack of initiative during teen and post-college years. I might retract this one…

Quark. I just love this one. Scientific. Intelligent. Advanced. All great reasons to have a little Quark running around.

Bond. As a first name, but, yes, reminds me of James Bond. See also, Chuck Bass.

Sylvan. Another Pennsylvania-related name, which means “woods” or that which inhabits the woods. Fits well with our passion for the outdoors.

Ren. At the suggestion, the DW’s retort was, “Like, ‘and Stimpy?’” And, on the suggestion of “Lilo,” she had a very similar response.

Glacier. Very masculine. Almost sounds like a soap opera name. Wait, that’s bad, huh? Same with “Dune,” probably.

Humboldt. For the forests of way Northern California. Another geographical / Native American name, but rejected nonetheless.

That’s all for now. I’ve been sent back to the drawing board.

Stay tuned for the second part of this post, tentatively titled, “Why my wife has excluded me from all important baby-related decisions.”