So after a year and a half of weekly counseling and countless hours participating in spiritual development classes at a local spiritual center, I came to the realization the other day, that, if hit with something big, like, say, a relationship, I would likely just F*ck it up all over again. Why do I say this? Because the truth is, that no matter how much I practice mindfulness and no matter how many times I correct myself when I say hateful, hurtful things to my inner self, I am still ruled by the Ego and I am beginning to think that my Ego really doesn't like me at all. It’s like my Ego is a Fashionista and wants to judge me for my outfit even though, the outfit is my skin and that isn't really something I can crawl out of.

It was a brilliant conversation. One about how far I feel that I have come and about how good I feel. Life was going good. Then I made an innocent comment about how there was this person I am interested in romantically. And then I incoherently hemmed and hawed about how I wouldn’t pursue it because…. I’d be rejected or eventually we’d fall into the trap of unhappiness and passive aggressive-control patterns I find typical of relationships. Or, I made excuses because he was too this and I was too that. I was already planning the breakup and I hadn't even gotten to know if the person likes peanut or cashew butter.

It got me to thinking about just how often I do close the door to possibility based on my fears. How often do I let my Ego’s Jackal intimidate me, distract me, and otherwise lead me astray?

So, what is the deal with my Ego anyway? What beef does she have with me?

Well, first off, she’s confused, big time. If things are NOT chaotic and sort of unnerving, she doesn’t really know what to do. She WANTS to create drama and exert stress. And as far as I can see, her aim is to remain in the comfortable nature for which has become the norm for her. Since birth I've been left with the understanding that I am not good enough to just be. I was always left to assume how I measured up or whether or not I belonged, because no one actually was present enough with me to guide me toward a greater self truth. And it is certainly not their fault! Everyone else, in short, was being directed by their own Ego Jackals.

I choose this word because, by definition, a Jackal is a wild dog. And that is what I believe my Ego to be. A wild dog.

Moreover, when I look up “low self esteem” or “inferiority complex” on Google, one definition catches my attention on Wikipedia.

An inferiority complex, often used to mean low self-esteem, is a feeling of intense insecurity, inferiority or of not measuring up. An inferiority complex can be seen in the negative or “useless” reactions to problems in life. These reactions are useless because they do not solve the problem at hand, but only serve to guard one’s self-esteem by avoiding the task or by placing the blame for the failure outside of the individual’s control. Although the inferiority complex may be seen as comparing individuals or groups as one being superior to another, it more closely describes how one deals with a fear of failure.

My mother the other day said to me, “Jill, you are so gorgeous. Have you been working out?” and I explained that I had been and that I do, in fact, feel amazing right now. The sadness and fear associated with last year has clearly made way for brighter days. She then said, “well, don’t F*ck it up! Jesus! This is precisely the point where you make a major mistake.” And she is right. I am not hurt by what she said. But the statement carries with it a lot of evidence as to why I am the way I am today.

A while ago, I researched animal totems. And the Coyote seemed to call to me because, while smart and cunning, the Coyote falls easily for the same gig over and over again. Think of the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote. Yes, I am imaginative and resourceful but man, the freakin’ bird gets me every time. If you think about it, the entire premise for the cartoon was that regardless of what contraption Coyote could configure, he wasn't self aware enough to see the simplicity of the Roadrunner’s solution to every gig he threw at him. And it’s no accident that the real roadrunner bird is actually “cuckoo”.

Of course, we were left to believe that somehow, it was always the Roadrunner’s fault, perhaps in a devious and malicious way for which Coyote always ended up under a pile of rubble in the bottom of a canyon. But the truth is Wile E. Coyote was certainly a product of his own Ego, forced by his inferiority complex, he routinely put himself into challenging, drama-prone situations, to remain in his comfort zone. The problem solver. But, if he would just take one step back and look, perhaps he’d figure out that he was the problem-maker.

So, as my dear friend Pamela once told me, there is great value in sitting in the uncomfortable silence of what is. I, instead, wiggle and struggle with it like a toddler in a Sunday best suit. If I could just rip it all off and run naked through the green grass I would feel so free but it sticks with me like peanut butter on the roof of a dog’s mouth. That darn Ego Jackal is my Coyote Animal Totem and I've not quite figured out the buttons yet. There’s got to be a way to shed this suit for something with less of a complex.

Is it really as guileless if you stop to engage and simply just be with what is? It wouldn't be much of a story. Imagine the Roadrunner and Coyote cartoon. If, instead of trying to outwit each other they, instead sat down and just talked, would it be as fun to watch? But, maybe the story isn't the dramatic part. Or at least, for our own sanity, maybe the boring stuff is worth savoring. It’s like Russell from the kid’s movie UP said, “sometimes it’s the boring stuff that I remember most”.

My Ego Jackal is as afraid of becoming as irrelevant to me as I am afraid of being rejected by some cute boy. So, maybe, I could simply say hi and see where it goes instead of fast-forwarding the entire experience. It is like how my dog never seems to fault me for having worked too long and forgotten to take him for a walk. When we do finally go, he is a happy as can be. I gave some peanut butter to my dog the other day and watched him lick and lick and lick the jar; so focused on it that when the postman came to deliver a package, he never even lifted his head. How in the present moment dogs remain. They don’t worry about whether or not they slobber or make a mess of themselves. They don’t even waste energy on thinking they are not worthy of the goodness that befalls them. And when presented with the sweetness of peanut butter, they just lick and lick and lick until it’s all good and gone.